Doctor, Oetker. Can’t You See I’m Burning, Burning.

Normally I frown on frozen pizza, but I must say the Dr.Oetker Restourante pie is a drunken delight. It’s not winning an award anytime soon, but it makes a great late night snack.  In fact, I’d sooner come home and bake the good Doctor’s pie, rather then indulge on the garbage being served in the Granville district.  It’s the decor and ambiance of places like Mega-bite and Numero Uno that truly compliments their lousy pizza. It’s just like dinning in a dumpster.  Pizza Garden is of course excluded from this generalization. They make wonderful pies.

Note: Don’t bake drunk. When passed out, you will not hear the alarm, nor smell the smoke. Although, after making this error on several occasions, I’m convinced it’s virtually impossible to burn an apartment down. If that were the case, I would be long gone by now.

Dr. Oetker Frozen Pizza Products.

Out Of The Blue (Bear Truck).

Denver, the sunshine state…gorgeous. I’ve been eating really healthy lately. And then I went to America. I’m not food truck fan per say I prefer being served my meal, and eating indoors. However, any excuse to get out of a trade show for a few moments was reason enough to go slumming. The slider and grill cheese from Blue Bear Truck was really something else. As were the garlic fries included in this combo. Also of note was a delicious hot mustard which we dipped the fries in because clearly the garlic parmesan rub wasn’t enough. To understand an American, one must eat like an American…I should be American.

Blue Bear Truck. Denver, CO.

 

Dominos. Let The Music Take You Over Dominos.

As you can see, I have been very busy as of late:

COMPLAINT

Dear Domino’s,
It is with great displeasure that I write you this letter. After seeing several advertisements where you are essentially bragging about your new and improved cheesy bread, we were compelled to order. It was more curiosity than hunger, but the commercial asked us to try so we did.

Unfortunately the cheesy bread was only adequate. It wasn’t terrible per say, but in no way was it a memorable cheesy bread experience. We also ordered boneless chicken wings to accompany our bread. They came in stale and soggy. We realize this can happen in transport, but we only live a block away. Once the chicken had been reheated in the oven, they mildly improved. Perhaps in your commercial you should warn your customers to pre-heat their ovens upon arrival of boneless chicken wings?

In closing, if you are going to have a commercial that claims improvement and superior products, you certainly have some work to do. As avid pizza and delivery service enthusiasts, we feel great shame for your establishment. We highly recommend you start spending your advertising dollars on actually improving your products, rather than talking about how improved your products are.

Oh yes we did? Actually, oh no you didn’t. – END NOTE

RESPONSE

Sorry to hear you disliked our American commercials of the improved cheesy bread. Here in Canada the cheesy bread recipe did not change, that is probably why you thought it was only adequate. I`m not sure why the boneless chicken arrived the way they did, but i will definitely check into the situation. I would like to give you a credit for $25 which you may use @ your convenience. You may use this credit towards any of your purchases @ the store when you call. Thank you for taking the time to let us know how your dinner was. We will do our best to re-train our team in the preparation and delivery of our products. Once again, `sorry`for the misleading American commercials to you and the rest of our Canadian (Vancouverites) pizza lovers (in this case, cheesy bread lover!) If you have any more concerns or questions, you may contact myself via email or telephone .

Dominos.

 

 

I Was Afraid, I’d Eat Your Mein (Chicken Chow).

I have been famished as of late. I’m uncertain as to the exact cause of this new found hunger. It’s possible the vigorous amount of snacking throughout the holiday season has stretched my belly. Surely that’s the reason..? Regardless, it’s no excuse for my recent actions. I went out for dinner at Bao Bei the other eve which was lovely by the way. Great place for drinks, and they have some excellent snacks. However, the dishes were much smaller then anticipated. On the way home from dinner my associate and I were forced to take a pit stop at a certain Scottish Deli for a second dinner. On an average drunken night I would think nothing of this Mc-visit, however I am ashamed to admit we were both completely sober.  Very shameful. We have brought great Mc-shame to our families.

DO go to Bao Bei on a first date. Women in general are terrified of eating in front strangers let alone love interests. This will insure there is plenty of food for you. Order one of everything from the small plates menu.

DONT go here with your girlfriend. The fear of eating in front of others no longer exists with this breed It evaporates around month two of the relationship.  They will show no restraint when the food arrives. This will leave you starving and inevitably force you to make extremely poor diet decisions.

Bao Bei. Vancouver.

 

So This Is The New Year. And I Don’t Feel Any Thinner.

God dam. Another year down, and I’m up…In pounds anyway. From what little I can recollect from the days when I was as a single-man pronounced singlemin there are specifically two events on the tour that are a shoe in for performing singlemin tasks: Weddings and New Year’s Eve. Imagine for a moment if you were to combine the two? That is what happened this past NYE. A hybrid NYE Wedding, the most ideal setting for lovers looking for love. Perhaps only Prom night rivals this evening when it comes to the ease of making out with babes.

As it turned out I too found love, in the form of this ice-cream slider above. Now I don’t have much of a sweet tooth per say, and maybe it’s the wine talking, but this was the most delicious desert I have ever taken down. Fact. Speaking of facts, I’m also beginning to realize the following may be true: Once on the lips forever on the hips. Fuck.

Note: Ice-cream is the new babe.

Mildred’s Temple Kitchen. Liberty Village, Toronto, ON

 

We Ate Subs In A Hopeless Place.

Nothing brings me joy quite like breaking out a steaming hot pizza sub on a charter flight. The smell of pepperoni can be picked up upwards of nine rows in each direction, masking many of the vile smells usually present in the vessel. Seeing all the hopeless faces watching over me as I eat, how they glare at me with envious eyes. A small ration of Bits & Bites are all these commoners have to appease their hunger. If only for that moment, I am King, surrounded by starving peasants.

Note: This photo suggests I am eating in a discotheque. Regrettably nothing is further from the truth. Speaking of which, this new Rihanna track is borderline techno, it must be bumping in the club? But what would I know. I’m in my 30′s. Can someone in their 20′s please tell me if this is a hot track?

Subway. Whatever.

No One On The Corner Has Shawarma Like Us.

I recently hit up Falafel Maison, which happens to be just around the corner from me. Their Shawarma plate is delicious, but the thing is after this meal you need to drink a gallon of water to battle the salt intake. Why so salty ? I can only assume Cook Ahmed grew up in a small village near the Dead Sea, and adding this obscene amount of salt is his way of remembering the mother land.

Something else I observed while hanging on the corner: there are some very questionable fashion decisions being made on Robson St. these days. What in god’s name are people wearing? Bulky sweaters, sweatpants, white puffy coats with fake fur on them, Lulu Lemon pants,  UGGs… uggh. It’s as though the entire city has collectively given up on life and resorted back to their outfits of 2003 just because it’s cold out.  This is inexcusable. What a fucking disgrace. Vancouver’s general population: Roast.

Note: Can’t wear skinny jeans cuz my nuts don’t fit. - Jay Z. True dat Jigga Man, true dat.

Falafel Maison. Vancouver.

Biking To Farina, Just To Get Some Pizza.

I wish I was Jay Z, for then I would surely do as his rhyme suggests and fly to Pisa, just to get some pizza. Regrettably I am nothing like this man. My closest version of that would be riding my bicycle over to Main St and dinning at Farina. This place rules. It’s the Apple Store of pizzeria’s. Great pizza, no nonsense decor. I have long awaited for Vancouver to produce some legit pizza pies in this one horse town. I must say the day has finally come.  Vancouver, pizza, respect.

Note: I have grown bored of only showcasing pictures of food, and have decided to include real human beings as well whenever possible. As seen here: Panda dives into a Calabrese.

Pizzeria Farina. Vancouver, BC.

We Like To Party. We Like Chicken Karaage.

Sometimes I get so hung over it’s not even fair. Often soup is my only form of nourishment during these dark times. The other day I tried a Ramen bowl at Ramen Jinya, but I couldn’t even stomach that. As I sat in front of the steaming noodles, I noticed the side menu: Chicken Karaage for $3.75. $3.75? You won’t? I had to. It’s safe to say I am a real sucker for fried chicken. In all honesty I would eat it a lot more if it wasn’t so frowned upon. KFC has really given my beloved a bad rep. But there is one race who seems to have no issues with fried chicken, my good friends the Japanese. I adore the Japanese. They don’t judge, they simply enjoy. In this case fried foods. The Karaage at Jinya is excellent. It’s doused in a delicious garlic dressing. Next time I may not even order the ramen, and just stick with a couple side orders of the Karaage. Can you order two sides without ordering a main dish I wonder?

Note: When I hear this song it reminds me there was in fact a time in my life when I would never get sick from the drink. How I long for those days to return. Come back my sweet Venga Bus. Come back.

Ramen Jinya. Vancouver, BC.

 

Please Please Cheese. Let Me Get What I Want This Time.

 

For once in my life, can I please get served a proper Nacho dish? It’s no secret that in order to achieve a successful Nacho one must layer the cheeses and ingredients accordingly. If you don’t use a layering technique, it renders 85% of the dish useless.  On top of that, almost every establishment has the nerve of charging $20 a plate and of course $4 extra for a thimble of gaucamole. Fuck you Pubs everywhere. Save yourself the trouble and go buy a bag of Dorritos. At least they are seasoned. Despite my love for the appetizer, I almost never order nachos. But alas, finally I have found a worthy dish. My beloved Mexican friends at Salsa and Agave, but of course.  Their layering of the cheeses is incredible. They even use that white Mexican cheese that I like so much. They serve the meat on the side for personalized distribution. To top it off they are only $10. I promise you will be pleased with their chos, bros. Lord knows it would be the first time.

Note: Usually the cardinal rule is Chos before Hos. But in this case you are going to want to share. If you eat this whole dish all by yourself, then god have mercy on your soul.  In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sanct.

Salsa and Agave. Vancouver, BC.