Hot And Ready Or Not.



Written by Esquire
Saturday






photo

Christmas as an adult is a total let down, and I think we can all agree at this point in our lives birthdays suck balls. Halloween however remains one of the best holidays, even though it’s not even a holiday.  No matter how old you get, It’s an opportunity to feel young again. My intent this past Halloween was to roll around with two pizza’s in my hand all evening. Unfortunately the pizza’s didn’t quite make it to the party. They were consumed long before arrival. Bummer dudes. On a positive note, this particular costume doubled as a bib quite nicely, ideal for spilling copious amounts of red wine on it.

At the end of the night we stormed into McDonalds like a bunch of drunk teens. I ran to the till and demanded they bring me back. When I saw the confused looks on the employees faces it was evident they were far too young to understand. There was no way they could possibly have known McDonalds once served a delicious salty Pizza. That was in the 80′s and they weren’t even born yet.  And just like that, I was old again. Balls.

 Ready or Not. Fugees.

Little Caesars, you need a location downtown Vancouver.


Filed Under Pizza
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Sweet And Tender-loin Hooligan.



Written by Esquire
Friday






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If I ever end up with a disease, I hope it will be The Gout. Anything with a THE in front of the name demands respect. The gout is commonly referred to as the rich mans disease or the disease of kings. Maybe it is just me, but this makes it sound totally awesome. That is why at least once a year I put the gift cards my parents give me each Christmas to good use and dine at the Keg. I drink red wine like it is going out of style, and I order the filet mignon wrapped in bacon.

Fact: Hollandaise sauce is a condiment for a king. Tread carefully, arteries close instantly once you consume this magical sauce.

The Keg.

 

 


Filed Under Smiths, Steak
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(Pizza) Hut Your Mouth. How Can you Say. I Go About Things The Wrong Way.



Written by Esquire
Tuesday






Sometimes I’m an eating embarrassment to myself. Above was clearly one of those times. Apparently the Pan-ormous commercial worked. The promise of grander lured me in. I ordered the Mega Meal only to find out It’s all a sham. For the only thing pan-ormous was the amount of crust. I love my carbs as much as the next boheim, but this was out of hand. Curses to you Pizza Hut. Burn me once, yada yada yada… yet I keep coming back for more. You have left me both physically and emotionally scarred.

Fact: I was awarded employee of the month August at my local Pizza Hut when I was 15. True story. On account of my childhood success, I suppose I still have a soft spot for the Hut. However, I’m serious about being physically scarred. It was the mid 90′s. We were young and foolish then.  While in the thick of dinner service I was moving pans under the oven. Just then a fresh pizza come barreling out of the oven and tipped. There was no escaping the pipping hot 100% Canola oil. I cursed as it poured down my elbow. The water, it did nothing to aid my pain. 3rd degree burns yo. This was my first of many battle wounds I have received from pizzas over the years. A scar that can be seen to this very day. This mark now acts as a constant reminder that I am human and I need to be loved. Just like everybody else does.

Pizza Hut.

♫How soon is now. Smiths. 


Filed Under Azia, Pizza, Smiths
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We Had Joy. We Had Fun. We Had Pizza In The Sun.



Written by Esquire
Saturday






It is said that for every shade the skin darkens from the sun, it’s the visual equivalent of two pounds shed. The body will have the illusion of looking stronger, thinner, darker, without ever lifting a muscle. It works, trust me. I have spent years using this tactic to appear more desirable.

On a recent escapade I found myself basking in the hot Hawaiian sun, and only assumed my physique would soon have the appearance of a Greek God. I for one am fortunate enough to possess pigment in my genes. These were passed on from my father, and his father before him. They allow me to tan with great speeds. But alas, regrettably no amount of sunshine could combat the calorie intake from the poolside pizzerias. My physique remains in limbo.

Note: How dare they put a Yogurt Land by the beach. I didn’t stand a chance. The kid’s don’t stand a chance.

Hyatt Regency. Maui, HI

♫ Seasons In the Sun.

 


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Doctor, Oetker. Can’t You See I’m Burning, Burning.



Written by Esquire
Saturday






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Normally I frown on frozen pizza, but I must say the Dr.Oetker Restourante pie is a drunken delight. It’s not winning an award anytime soon, but it makes a great late night snack.  In fact, I’d sooner come home and bake the good Doctor’s pie, rather then indulge on the garbage being served in the Granville district.  It’s the decor and ambiance of places like Mega-bite and Numero Uno that truly compliments their lousy pizza. It’s just like dinning in a dumpster.  Pizza Garden is of course excluded from this generalization. They make wonderful pies.

Note: Don’t bake drunk. When passed out, you will not hear the alarm, nor smell the smoke. Although, after making this error on several occasions, I’m convinced it’s virtually impossible to burn an apartment down. If that were the case, I would be long gone by now.

Dr. Oetker Frozen Pizza Products.

 

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Out Of The Blue (Bear Truck).



Written by Esquire
Wednesday






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Denver, the sunshine state…gorgeous. I’ve been eating really healthy lately. And then I went to America. I’m not food truck fan per say I prefer being served my meal, and eating indoors. However, any excuse to get out of a trade show for a few moments was reason enough to go slumming. The slider and grill cheese from Blue Bear Truck was really something else. As were the garlic fries included in this combo. Also of note was a delicious hot mustard which we dipped the fries in because clearly the garlic parmesan rub wasn’t enough. To understand an American, one must eat like an American…I should be American.

Blue Bear Truck. Denver, CO.

 

 


Filed Under Aoili, Burger
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Dominos. Let The Music Take You Over Dominos.



Written by Esquire
Monday






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As you can see, I have been very busy as of late:

COMPLAINT

Dear Domino’s,
It is with great displeasure that I write you this letter. After seeing several advertisements where you are essentially bragging about your new and improved cheesy bread, we were compelled to order. It was more curiosity than hunger, but the commercial asked us to try so we did.

Unfortunately the cheesy bread was only adequate. It wasn’t terrible per say, but in no way was it a memorable cheesy bread experience. We also ordered boneless chicken wings to accompany our bread. They came in stale and soggy. We realize this can happen in transport, but we only live a block away. Once the chicken had been reheated in the oven, they mildly improved. Perhaps in your commercial you should warn your customers to pre-heat their ovens upon arrival of boneless chicken wings?

In closing, if you are going to have a commercial that claims improvement and superior products, you certainly have some work to do. As avid pizza and delivery service enthusiasts, we feel great shame for your establishment. We highly recommend you start spending your advertising dollars on actually improving your products, rather than talking about how improved your products are.

Oh yes we did? Actually, oh no you didn’t. – END NOTE

RESPONSE

Sorry to hear you disliked our American commercials of the improved cheesy bread. Here in Canada the cheesy bread recipe did not change, that is probably why you thought it was only adequate. I`m not sure why the boneless chicken arrived the way they did, but i will definitely check into the situation. I would like to give you a credit for $25 which you may use @ your convenience. You may use this credit towards any of your purchases @ the store when you call. Thank you for taking the time to let us know how your dinner was. We will do our best to re-train our team in the preparation and delivery of our products. Once again, `sorry`for the misleading American commercials to you and the rest of our Canadian (Vancouverites) pizza lovers (in this case, cheesy bread lover!) If you have any more concerns or questions, you may contact myself via email or telephone .

Dominos.

 

 

 


Filed Under Pizza, Vancouver
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I Was Afraid, I’d Eat Your Mein (Chicken Chow).



Written by Esquire
Tuesday






I have been famished as of late. I’m uncertain as to the exact cause of this new found hunger. It’s possible the vigorous amount of snacking throughout the holiday season has stretched my belly. Surely that’s the reason..? Regardless, it’s no excuse for my recent actions. I went out for dinner at Bao Bei the other eve which was lovely by the way. Great place for drinks, and they have some excellent snacks. However, the dishes were much smaller then anticipated. On the way home from dinner my associate and I were forced to take a pit stop at a certain Scottish Deli for a second dinner. On an average drunken night I would think nothing of this Mc-visit, however I am ashamed to admit we were both completely sober.  Very shameful. We have brought great Mc-shame to our families.

DO go to Bao Bei on a first date. Women in general are terrified of eating in front strangers let alone love interests. This will insure there is plenty of food for you. Order one of everything from the small plates menu.

DONT go here with your girlfriend. The fear of eating in front of others no longer exists with this breed It evaporates around month two of the relationship.  They will show no restraint when the food arrives. This will leave you starving and inevitably force you to make extremely poor diet decisions.

Bao Bei. Vancouver.

 

 


Filed Under Chinese, The National
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So This Is The New Year. And I Don’t Feel Any Thinner.



Written by Esquire
Thursday






God dam. Another year down, and I’m up…In pounds anyway. From what little I can recollect from the days when I was as a single-man pronounced singlemin there are specifically two events on the tour that are a shoe in for performing singlemin tasks: Weddings and New Year’s Eve. Imagine for a moment if you were to combine the two? That is what happened this past NYE. A hybrid NYE Wedding, the most ideal setting for lovers looking for love. Perhaps only Prom night rivals this evening when it comes to the ease of making out with babes.

As it turned out I too found love, in the form of this ice-cream slider above. Now I don’t have much of a sweet tooth per say, and maybe it’s the wine talking, but this was the most delicious desert I have ever taken down. Fact. Speaking of facts, I’m also beginning to realize the following may be true: Once on the lips forever on the hips. Fuck.

Note: Ice-cream is the new babe.

Mildred’s Temple Kitchen. Liberty Village, Toronto, ON

 

 


Filed Under Ice cream, Toronto
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We Ate Subs In A Hopeless Place.



Written by Esquire
Thursday






Nothing brings me joy quite like breaking out a steaming hot pizza sub on a charter flight. The smell of pepperoni can be picked up upwards of nine rows in each direction, masking many of the vile smells usually present in the vessel. Seeing all the hopeless faces watching over me as I eat, how they glare at me with envious eyes. A small ration of Bits & Bites are all these commoners have to appease their hunger. If only for that moment, I am King, surrounded by starving peasants.

Note: This photo suggests I am eating in a discotheque. Regrettably nothing is further from the truth. Speaking of which, this new Rihanna track is borderline techno, it must be bumping in the club? But what would I know. I’m in my 30′s. Can someone in their 20′s please tell me if this is a hot track?

Subway. Whatever.

 


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Appies All The Time. Snack well, friend.