(Pizza) Hut Your Mouth. How Can you Say. I Go About Things The Wrong Way.

Written by Esquire
October 2, 2012

Sometimes I'm an eating embarrassment to myself. Above was clearly one of those times. Apparently the Pan-ormous commercial worked. The promise of grander lured me in. I ordered the Mega Meal only to find out It's all a sham. For the only thing pan-ormous was the amount of crust. I love my carbs as much as the next boheim, but this was out of hand. Curses to you Pizza Hut. Burn me once, yada yada yada... yet I keep coming back for more. You have left me both physically and emotionally scarred.

Fact: I was awarded employee of the month August at my local Pizza Hut when I was 15. True story. On account of my childhood success, I suppose I still have a soft spot for the Hut. However, I'm serious about being physically scarred. It was the mid 90's. We were young and foolish then.  While in the thick of dinner service I was moving pans under the oven. Just then a fresh pizza come barreling out of the oven and tipped. There was no escaping the pipping hot 100% Canola oil. I cursed as it poured down my elbow. The water, it did nothing to aid my pain. 3rd degree burns yo. This was my first of many battle wounds I have received from pizzas over the years. A scar that can be seen to this very day. This mark now acts as a constant reminder that I am human and I need to be loved. Just like everybody else does.

Pizza Hut.

♫How soon is now. Smiths. 

Filed Under Azia, Pizza, Smiths
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We Had Joy. We Had Fun. We Had Pizza In The Sun.

Written by Esquire
June 23, 2012

It is said that for every shade the skin darkens from the sun, it's the visual equivalent of two pounds shed. The body will have the illusion of looking stronger, thinner, darker, without ever lifting a muscle. It works, trust me. I have spent years using this tactic to appear more desirable.

On a recent escapade I found myself basking in the hot Hawaiian sun, and only assumed my physique would soon have the appearance of a Greek God. I for one am fortunate enough to possess pigment in my genes. These were passed on from my father, and his father before him. They allow me to tan with great speeds. But alas, regrettably no amount of sunshine could combat the calorie intake from the poolside pizzerias. My physique remains in limbo.

Note: How dare they put a Yogurt Land by the beach. I didn't stand a chance. The kid's don't stand a chance.

Hyatt Regency. Maui, HI ♫ Seasons In the Sun.  

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Doctor, Oetker. Can’t You See I’m Burning, Burning.

Written by Esquire
February 11, 2012


Normally I frown on frozen pizza, but I must say the Dr.Oetker Restourante pie is a drunken delight. It's not winning an award anytime soon, but it makes a great late night snack.  In fact, I'd sooner come home and bake the good Doctor's pie, rather then indulge on the garbage being served in the Granville district.  It's the decor and ambiance of places like Mega-bite and Numero Uno that truly compliments their lousy pizza. It's just like dinning in a dumpster.  Pizza Garden is of course excluded from this generalization. They make wonderful pies.

Note: Don't bake drunk. When passed out, you will not hear the alarm, nor smell the smoke. Although, after making this error on several occasions, I'm convinced it's virtually impossible to burn an apartment down. If that were the case, I would be long gone by now.

Dr. Oetker Frozen Pizza Products. [mp3j track="Doctor Doctor -The Thompson Twins@Doctor Doctor.mp3"]

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Dominos. Let The Music Take You Over Dominos.

Written by Esquire
January 23, 2012

20120123-111904.jpg As you can see, I have been very busy as of late: COMPLAINT Dear Domino's, It is with great displeasure that I write you this letter. After seeing several advertisements where you are essentially bragging about your new and improved cheesy bread, we were compelled to order. It was more curiosity than hunger, but the commercial asked us to try so we did. Unfortunately the cheesy bread was only adequate. It wasn't terrible per say, but in no way was it a memorable cheesy bread experience. We also ordered boneless chicken wings to accompany our bread. They came in stale and soggy. We realize this can happen in transport, but we only live a block away. Once the chicken had been reheated in the oven, they mildly improved. Perhaps in your commercial you should warn your customers to pre-heat their ovens upon arrival of boneless chicken wings? In closing, if you are going to have a commercial that claims improvement and superior products, you certainly have some work to do. As avid pizza and delivery service enthusiasts, we feel great shame for your establishment. We highly recommend you start spending your advertising dollars on actually improving your products, rather than talking about how improved your products are. Oh yes we did? Actually, oh no you didn't. - END NOTE RESPONSE Sorry to hear you disliked our American commercials of the improved cheesy bread. Here in Canada the cheesy bread recipe did not change, that is probably why you thought it was only adequate. I`m not sure why the boneless chicken arrived the way they did, but i will definitely check into the situation. I would like to give you a credit for $25 which you may use @ your convenience. You may use this credit towards any of your purchases @ the store when you call. Thank you for taking the time to let us know how your dinner was. We will do our best to re-train our team in the preparation and delivery of our products. Once again, `sorry`for the misleading American commercials to you and the rest of our Canadian (Vancouverites) pizza lovers (in this case, cheesy bread lover!) If you have any more concerns or questions, you may contact myself via email or telephone . Dominos. [mp3j track="Bailamos - Enrique Englesias@Bailamos.mp3"]    

Filed Under Pizza, Vancouver
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Biking To Farina, Just To Get Some Pizza.

Written by Esquire
December 15, 2011

I wish I was Jay Z, for then I would surely do as his rhyme suggests and fly to Pisa, just to get some pizza. Regrettably I am nothing like this man. My closest version of that would be riding my bicycle over to Main St and dinning at Farina. This place rules. It's the Apple Store of pizzeria's. Great pizza, no nonsense decor. I have long awaited for Vancouver to produce some legit pizza pies in this one horse town. I must say the day has finally come.  Vancouver, pizza, respect.

Note: I have grown bored of only showcasing pictures of food, and have decided to include real human beings as well whenever possible. As seen here: Panda dives into a Calabrese. Pizzeria Farina. Vancouver, BC. [mp3j track="Talk That Talk.mp3"]

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Where Are All The Girls? We Should Go To Earl’s.

Written by Esquire
January 13, 2011

Pizza at Earls? You wouldn't. But alas, yes I would. I normally head here for over priced salads, drinks, and hopefully a double take from at least one of their pretty servers. Pizza is the last thing I thought I would find myself ordering. Everyone knows you go to Earl's strictly for girls. However, when you sleep all day, then head late to a dinner party at 11 instead of 7:30, the flat-bread is a quick pre-drinking snack that hits the spot. Flat-bread?  I mean sure, it's flat, and a bread, but I refuse to use this term. I call it by name. It's a pie for god sakes. But then again I also order a Medium from Starbucks out of spite, just to irritate the Barista,  so what do I know.

Note: Much like this song, I too have no preference for my Earl's girls pies. I like them Thin crust. I like them thick crust. I like them carrying a little bit of weight crust.

Earls. British Columbia.

♬ Girls. [audio:I Get All The Girls.mp3]

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Panago The Streets Of London. Panago The Streets Of Birmingham.

Written by Esquire
September 14, 2010

On most occasions Panago can get fucked. Their pizza is neither her nor there. They make an average pie, which serves it's purpose, ideal for Pizza parties and such.  However, what vexes me about this company is that fat construction dude they use in their TV commercials. He acts as a deterrent rather then a reason to order from this spot.  Why is he wearing an apron if he is ordering delivery? He has the look of a walrus. Is Panago insinuating their customers are walruses? Terrible messaging. That's not good for business. That's not good for anybody.  I am very vexed.

Burn down the disco. Hang the blessed DJ. Because the music that they constantly play.

Panago. Canada. Panic. [audio:Panic.mp3]

Filed Under Canada, Pizza, Smiths
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All Day All Day. Domino’s Sampling.

Written by Esquire
May 11, 2010

Domino's. I always felt that place should be called Dumpino's. No good  had ever come from indulging in their pies. I'm certain they could be used as a laxative. Shit literally went sideways one too many times, and I vowed never to touch the Domino product again. Recently Domino's has been running some interesting commercials. They have admitted their pizza's quality has been lousy in the past. They now claim to have improved their pies. Try us again, they ask. What an interesting way to regain lost market share: admit to everyone including your loyal customers that you have been serving garbage since 1960. I can't believe this approach is actually working. Their sales are up due to this campaign.

Despite my oath, I had to find out if there was any truth behind this outlandish claim. After multiple tests, I must say they have made improvements. The dough is definitely much nicer, and the sauce appears to have been upgraded as well. One more thing, I can attest the pepperoni they use is far less filthy then in previous years.  So yes, well done Domino's. You have moved up the pizza ladder by a few slots, from lousy to mediocre at best. I wouldn't be handing out any awards,  but if I happen to find myself in a snacking jam,  I may hit them up.

Note: In the English language there are officially only two things that can be deemed lousy: #1 -Pizza #2- Blowjobs.

Domino's Pizza. [audio:Domino.mp3]

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This Slice, Has Fu*ked Up My Life. And I Will Never Sleep Again.

Written by Esquire
March 27, 2010

Regrettably, this is merely one example of what I had been consuming in the wee hours of the morning during the Olympics. 7-11 now has all kinds of new hot foods that cater to the drunk, and the high. The slices were nothing to drag home. Yet I dragged home 4 of them? WTF? Surprisingly the breaded wings were pretty good. I figure they sit under that heat lamp for so long they dry out nicely. I am one who prefers my wings extra crispy, as apposed to a soft chicken gizzard texture. Old balls...gross. Either way, don't eat here. I should be embarrassed.

Note: Results from this type of gluttonous snacking have been two fold. First off, I've been having night terrors, specifically regarding the image above. Secondly, it has left my physique in a less then desirable state. Im not even in that good of shape to begin with. Fuk my life.

And Im not happy and Im not sad.

7-11. Everywhere.

[audio:This Night.mp3]

Filed Under Canada, Chicken, Pizza, Smiths, Wings
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I Really Miss Fat Tony’s, Even Though You Gone Away.

Written by Esquire
March 8, 2010

Late night Whistler. Fat Tony's is located right in the village square. I have only ever been here in the wee hours of the morning, but what a slice. From what I remember each piece weighs a pound. I also vaguely recollect there being a nice sesame crust.  My associates are obsessed with one of the slices they serve: The White One. It comes covered in some sort of white ranch type of product. Ranch on pizza....what will these youth think of next?  I often stay in the hotel directly above Fat Tony. If your room is in the west wing of the Adara Hotel you can actually smell the pizza cooking all night. Thank god I don't midnight toke. For If I did I could never escape the late night desires.  They are open until 3am. It usually gets post bar dirty, but the good kind of dirty. Kind of like most of the servers at Earls Whistler. Women of Staff housing-The bad kind of dirty.

Note: This is a sad tune from the hood. What ever became of this Master P anyway? From what I remember he even made it into the NBA at one point. Thats pretty dirty too.

Fat Tony's Pizza. Whistler, BC. [audio:I Miss My Homies.mp3]

Filed Under Pizza, Whistler
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Appies All The Time. Snack well, friend.