There’s Shredded Pork On These Fries. Living In A Poutine Paradise.

Chill Winston probably has the best patio in Gastown, so It’s usually  the drinking and people watching that brings me there. One day while feeling rather peckish I stumbled upon this glorious creation: A poutine dish, topped with an aggressive amount of pulled pork. The fries they use have a nice width to them,  not unlike their cousin the tater. Either way a wonderful snack to have when drinking and sun tanning…while watching zombies walk by. That Main and Hastings intersection certainly acts as a magnet to those daywalkers. What could possibly be in that library?

Note: This is the song I listen to anytime I find myself in Gastown past midnight. The eerie synth sound in the beginning of the tune is fitting for these surroundings. Although, every time the lyrics start an image of Michelle Pfeiffer in a leather jacket pops into my head. Weird.

Chill Winston. Gastown, Vancouver.

Gangster’s Paradise.

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She Said She Liked To Order Take Out. I Said That’s Just Fine With Me. That Way We Can Tan And Eat Nimby.

Nimby is a nice little take-out spot right by Kits Beach. Finally I can do two of my favorite things at once, eat while tanning. I know what your thinking, it’s tough to eat lying down. Fear not, for if the secret burger sauce is ever to drip on your chest, just rub it in. It doubles as a hybrid oil based tanning lotion.

I can’t believe it took that long for someone to realize you need take-out food close to a beach. Come to think of it no one ever actually eats at Bar Beach. There are always a bunch of assholes doing all kinds of weird shit like wrestling, tight rope, flare bar-tending, devil sticks, medieval role play, etc. But no eating. It’s probably because everyone is too concerned about flexing and showing off their horrific tribal tattoos. Please Nimby, fatten these people up already. Actually, while your at it, please fatten up those fries your serving as well.  Shoe strings just don’t cut it. Your burger is pretty dam good, but the fries could use some work, or girth rather.

Note: Nimby Burger. In Canada this is as close as we may ever come to the beloved In N Out. I’ll take it. But then again, these days I’ll take anything.

Nimby Burger. Kits, Vancouver.

Chopsticks

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I’m Not Looking For A New England Clam Chowder. I’m Just Looking For Another Girl.

Due to the fact that I don’t eat sea bugs, I’ve never ingested Clams of any sort, until recently. If I had known that Clam Chowder tasted like rich buttery Alfredo sauce, surely I would have tried this shit years ago. As it turns out my allergies to ocean insects have subsided to a degree. I enjoyed the soup without being fully choked out.  My ears and throat where a little itchy, but that was the extent of it. This Chowder and Ahi Tuna Club sandwich combo certainly hit the spot.

Note: I couldn’t help but to notice that at Coast every guest is treated as though they are wealthy. Cloth napkins are placed on your lap, and wine glasses are used, even for water. This is standard protocol, even for those who look like dirtbags.  What a nice feature.

Coast. Vancouver, BC.

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Its A Tragedy For Me To See, Hot Sauce All Over. But I Never Will Forget The Meal We Had. Taco Bell I’ll Miss You.

There were several instances where my associates and I would go to the  movie theater just to eat Taco Bell.  We would gladly pay the $12.95 movie premium to cover up the desire to dine at The Dynamic Duo: KFC/TB.

Note: When eating theater tacos,  precautionary measures must be taken. There is no such thing as too many napkins, and all hot sauces are to be applied before sitting in the dark theater to feast.

Each time I ate theater Bell I would assume all was well.  But then the movie would finish, lights would come on, and shit would be absolutely everywhere.  My thighs always got the worst of it. As customers exited the theater they would point at me and whisper to one another  that’s the man  who had intercourse with  a burrito supreme. I always dreaded that situation, and often contemplated if the meal was worth such ridicule. Looking back, what I would give to  hold a taco in absolute theater darkness one last time. I would slather hot sauce all over my  chest if it would guarantee one more rendezvous. But alas, my slacks will never be soiled again. For KFC/TB at Scotia Bank Theater is no more. This is a tremendous loss for the snacking community.

Note: This masterpiece seen above is my brother’s creation. I can’t help but to think he knew the Duo wouldn’t be here for much longer. On what would be our final visit, he exploited everything the joint menu had to offer,  creating a Hybrid dish. I give you the Popcorn Chicken Taco Supreme. To remember better days…

Taco Bell Scotia Bank Theater. Vancouver, BC. May 2006 – March 2010.

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Oh Joey’s, I’m Not Hungry Anymore.

I Am On A 24 Hour, Hot Dog Diet.

Spilling while Im eating, I encourage you to try it. They call it the Zen Dog: Hot dog, chili, celery, tomatoes, relish, cream cheese, god knows what else. This is the greatest single dog on the planet at 3am on a Tuesday. The crispy piece of celery completely changes everything. I had seriously not eaten a hot dog in the longest time Ikea doesn’t count. Yet on this particular day, I ate two. One at lunchtime, and well, one for my next meal at 3am.  How does that even happen? How bizarre, how bizarre. It was like I hit my head and forgot what I ate that day, only to return to the very same item hours later. Just like a goldfish. Can vodka give you a concussion?

The Dogfather is also known to have world renowned DJ’s serving the dogs. Be sure to check out Happy Jack’s set at El Furniture Warehouse before heading over for this late night snack. Once at the Dogfather, you may be served by yet again, Happy Jack. He truly is the King of Granville.

The Dogfather. Vancouver.

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And If You Want Beef, Then Bring The Ruckus. Gyudonya Ain’t Nothin Ta Fuck With.

Tiger style. Gyudonya is a little spot that recently opened up on Robson St. The savings alone will have me coming back for more. It’s refreshing to find places that are well under 10$ for a whole meal of food. Their bowls range from 5-7$ max. The Short Rib Bowl that I took down certainly brought the ruckus. Bring the motha fuckin ruckus. This place is packed with people everytime I have rolled by, so that must account for something. Much like the Wu, they’re on the swarm.

Gyudonya . Vancouver, BC.

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In My Mind Im Going To Izakaya. Can’t You See The Sunshine. Can’t You Just Taste The Rice Wine.

I drop into extremely over priced, sub par food all the time, but recently it went to far. I paid 17$ for a salad. WTF? Where do these “social lounges” get off charging such prices? Mediocracy has infected Yaletown’s restuarants for far too long. But alas, there is hope for Yaletown yet. Hapa Izakaya has recently opened one of their beloved establishments on Hamilton St. Finally, a place where they won’t bend you over and do as they will.

Hapa’s Chicken salad above is a very reasonable $8.95.  With every crispy bite, you can actually hear yourself getting financially physically thinner. Like most items on the menu, the salad is an ideal dish to be shared. This form of eating initially throws most white people off, as they are not used to sharing food. Fear not, there are so many amazing dishes you will want to try everything. Sharing is of course a multicultural trait, and one not commonly found in Caucasian eating habits. Perhaps this is why places like Earls and Milestones flourish? It’s strange because Jesus allegedly shared all the time, and he was white, wasn’t he? Yeah right. He probably sounded just like the soft spoken James Taylor too. Either way, Hapa rules. Go there. Don’t forget to order the sake. Although once you drop into the rice wine, you are likely to forget everything anyway.

Note: If your one who prefers their own dish,  don’t feel singled out. Pioneers never shared their meals either. At least not with the Indians.

Hapa Izakaya. Yaletown, Vancouver.

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Everybody Salsa. & Agave.

I was watching BET while eating tacos the other day, and something occurred to me. Black dudes and mexican spots have a few things in common.  First of all, both are usually awesome. Secondly, both seem to be everywhere in America, yet so very scarce in the city of Vancouver. Despite these limitations, one place that is well worth checking out is Salsa and Agave. It’s a small spot near Pacific and Davie St, right beside the DQ Hot Eats, Cool Treats. The waitresses are extremely nice. Most of them sound just like Penelope Cruise, which confirms this place is a legitimate mexican eatery. Wait, Penelope is from Spain. I guess they sound more like Selena? Either way, I would recommend ordering the Tostadas as seen above. The Chorizo Taco is also quite nice. Prices are mellow tokes as well bro. Hit em up hit em up.

Salsa & Agave. Vancouver, BC.

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Hey. Ho. Whineos. Hey. Ho. Whineos.

Whineos, where the wine flows like…wine.  A great crew of peeps run this joint. Whether it be a birthday night, a date night, or a banished from El Furniture Warehouse night, Whineos caters to any affair.

Whineo’s tapas menu is actually somewhat responsible for how Appies All The Time came to be. The constant snacking on small plates rather then eating a whole meal of food has proven to be very desirable, especially with wine and spirits. The Blue Plate Special as seen above is a drunken delight. These open face sliders are an innovative take on the classic mini burger. You won’t use two types of aioli on the slider? That’s right.  Two aioli, one cup.  If you go on Tuesday this very plate is only 4$. Although, use caution. Tuesday is also some sort of College night, filled with youths who spill draft all over my back. This sort activity will cause you to feel old, specifically 30ish. You may think to yourself : Dam son,  its only Tuesday. If I leave right now I can still catch the weigh-ins on BLC.

Note: Although a wine bar, Whineos mixes a Vodka Soda like no other. Also of note:  Sliders are the new black.

Whineos. Vancouver, BC.

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