Where Are All The Girls? We Should Go To Earl’s.

Written by Esquire
January 13, 2011

Pizza at Earls? You wouldn't. But alas, yes I would. I normally head here for over priced salads, drinks, and hopefully a double take from at least one of their pretty servers. Pizza is the last thing I thought I would find myself ordering. Everyone knows you go to Earl's strictly for girls. However, when you sleep all day, then head late to a dinner party at 11 instead of 7:30, the flat-bread is a quick pre-drinking snack that hits the spot. Flat-bread?  I mean sure, it's flat, and a bread, but I refuse to use this term. I call it by name. It's a pie for god sakes. But then again I also order a Medium from Starbucks out of spite, just to irritate the Barista,  so what do I know.

Note: Much like this song, I too have no preference for my Earl's girls pies. I like them Thin crust. I like them thick crust. I like them carrying a little bit of weight crust.

Earls. British Columbia.

♬ Girls. [audio:I Get All The Girls.mp3]

Filed Under Pizza, Vancouver
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Die Sushi Monster Die.

Written by Esquire
January 4, 2011

A Spam Roll? I thought I was in Hawaii or something, because that is the only other place I have seen this mystery meat on any menu. When it was explained to me that Spam is a canned hot dog of sorts, I figured I had to check it out. No soy sauce needed here friends, this roll was salty as, yet very interesting non the less. It is a small spot, and they desperately need a liquor license, but Sea Monster Sushi was alright with me.

Note: No booze = you loose...Customers. Sea Monster Sushi. Gastown, Vancouver. ♬ Die. [audio:Die Monster Die.mp3]

Filed Under Sushi, Vancouver
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Sus Sus Tsui Hang.

Written by Esquire
October 13, 2010

Tsui Hang/Special Tea: The finest in Vancouver for a late night Chinese food pig out. Who in god's name eats here two nights in a row? I do. Fuck. Where did it all go wrong? I used to be carried in the arms of cheerleaders. Well not really, but I act like I once was, or at least should have been.  And now as the rain begins its worst, I find myself  roaming the dark streets like a vagabond, frequenting this late night establishment with great consistency. The obscene amount of MSG that is clearly in each dish adds to the hang over like no other. Yet I proceed, time and time again. On most occasions I have no recollection of ever dinning here. It's not until I see multiple visa charges  days later that I realize what I have done.  The worst part is, I don't even go for the after hours beverages anymore.  I go for the food. Dear god, why have you forsaken me?

Note: You won't eat Tsui Hang in broad daylight...You won't.

Also of note: What the fuck is this song about?

Tsui Hang Village. Vancouver, BC Sussudio. [audio:Sussudio.mp3]

Filed Under Chinese, Vancouver
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I’ll Stop The World Tuna Melt With You.

Written by Esquire
September 29, 2010

This was a nice looking sandwich. It had the look of a desert, perhaps like two scoops of ice cream. In fact all the sandwiches at Phat Deli are displayed nicely. This melt had various types of cheese on it. Mozza on top, and cheddar on the bottom. Nicely melted bro.

Speaking of ice cream, there are a bunch of Gelato spots around town that do every flavor you can think of. I wouldn't put it past these nut jobs to whip up tuna flavored ice cream. Roast. Actually, gross. That would be a real bummer dude. Although, no worse then Vegemite flavor which by the way is legitimately on the menu at one spot.

Phat Deli. Yaletown, Vancouver. Melt. [audio:Melt With You.mp3]

Filed Under Sandwich, Tuna, Vancouver
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There’s Shredded Pork On These Fries. Living In A Poutine Paradise.

Written by Esquire
August 25, 2010

Chill Winston probably has the best patio in Gastown, so It's usually  the drinking and people watching that brings me there. One day while feeling rather peckish I stumbled upon this glorious creation: A poutine dish, topped with an aggressive amount of pulled pork. The fries they use have a nice width to them, almost like a tater. Either way a wonderful snack to have when drinking and sun tanning...while watching zombies walk by. That Main and Hastings intersection a ways down certainly acts as a magnet to those daywalkers. What could possibly be at that corner that draws them from all over? It's like Meca for the living dead.

Note: This is the song I listen to anytime I find myself in Gastown past midnight. The eerie synth sound in the beginning of the tune is fitting for these surroundings. Although, every time the lyrics start, an image of Michelle Pfeiffer in a leather jacket pops into my head. Weird.

Chill Winston. Gastown, Vancouver. Gangster's Paradise. [audio:Gangster's Paradise.mp3]

Filed Under Poutine, Vancouver
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She Said She Liked To Order Take Out. I Said That’s Just Fine With Me. That Way We Can Tan And Eat Nimby.

Written by Esquire
July 23, 2010

Nimby is a nice little take-out spot right by Kits Beach. Finally I can do two of my favorite things at once, eat while tanning. I know what your thinking, it's tough to eat lying down. Fear not, for if the secret burger sauce is ever to drip on your chest, just rub it in. It doubles as a hybrid oil based tanning lotion.

I can't believe it took that long for someone to realize you need take-out food close to a beach. Come to think of it no one ever actually eats at Bar Beach. There are always a bunch of assholes doing all kinds of weird shit like wrestling, tight rope, flare bar-tending, devil sticks, medieval role play, etc. But no eating. It's probably because everyone is too concerned about flexing and showing off their horrific tribal tattoos. Please Nimby, fatten these people up already. Actually, while your at it, please fatten up those fries your serving as well.  Shoe strings just don't cut it. Your burger is pretty dam good, but the fries could use some work, or girth rather.

Note: Nimby Burger. In Canada this is as close as we may ever come to the beloved In N Out. I'll take it. But then again, these days I'll take anything.

Nimby Burger. Kits, Vancouver. Chopsticks [audio:chopsticks.mp3]

Filed Under Burger, Vancouver
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I’m Not Looking For A New England Clam Chowder. I’m Just Looking For Another Girl.

Written by Esquire
July 13, 2010

Due to the fact that I don't eat sea bugs, I've never ingested Clams of any sort, until recently. If I had known that Clam Chowder tasted like rich buttery Alfredo sauce, surely I would have tried this shit years ago. As it turns out my allergies to ocean insects have subsided to a degree. I enjoyed the soup without being fully choked out.  My ears and throat where a little itchy, but that was the extent of it. This Chowder and Ahi Tuna Club sandwich combo certainly hit the spot.

Note: I couldn't help but to notice that at Coast every guest is treated as though they are wealthy. Cloth napkins are placed on your lap, and wine glasses are used, even for water. This is standard protocol, even for those who look like dirtbags.  What a nice feature.

Coast. Vancouver, BC. [audio:A New England.mp3]

Filed Under Fish, Sandwich, Soup, Vancouver
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Its A Tragedy For Me To See, Hot Sauce All Over. But I Never Will Forget The Meal We Had. Taco Bell I’ll Miss You.

Written by Esquire
May 30, 2010

There were several instances where my associates and I would go to the  movie theater just to eat Taco Bell.  We would gladly pay the $12.95 movie premium to cover up the desire to dine at The Dynamic Duo: KFC/TB.

Note: When eating theater tacos,  precautionary measures must be taken. There is no such thing as too many napkins, and all hot sauces are to be applied before sitting in the dark theater to feast.

Each time I ate theater Bell I would assume all was well.  But then the movie would finish, lights would come on, and shit would be absolutely everywhere.  My thighs always got the worst of it. As customers exited the theater they would point at me and whisper to one another  that's the man  who had intercourse with  a burrito supreme. I always dreaded that situation, and often contemplated if the meal was worth such ridicule. Looking back, what I would give to  hold a taco in absolute theater darkness one last time. I would slather hot sauce all over my  chest if it would guarantee one more rendezvous. But alas, my slacks will never be soiled again. For KFC/TB at Scotia Bank Theater is no more. This is a tremendous loss for the snacking community.

Note: This masterpiece seen above is my brother's creation. I can't help but to think he knew the Duo wouldn't be here for much longer. On what would be our final visit, he exploited everything the joint menu had to offer,  creating a Hybrid dish. I give you the Popcorn Chicken Taco Supreme. To remember better days...

Taco Bell Scotia Bank Theater. Vancouver, BC. May 2006 - March 2010. [audio:Dream is Over.mp3]

Filed Under Mexican, Vancouver
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Oh Joey’s, I’m Not Hungry Anymore.

Written by Esquire
May 28, 2010

This social lounge concept has really taken over the Vancouver restaurant scene lately. Apparently when you add the word fusion to a dish, you can charge what ever you like. I once had a trendy ramen bowl that was $16. FML. But let's be realistic. Who actually goes to these establishments with eating as their primary motive? Not me dog.

People can get a cheeseburger anywhere, okay? They come to Chotchkie's for the atmosphere and the attitude. That's what the flair's about. It's about fun.

This wing warmer at Joey's above is quite a novelty. The open flame adds an element of danger and excitement. I usually spend a King's ransom there.  Regrettably very little of that is ever on snacks. It would appear I favor purchasing over priced drinks as apposed to over priced food. Besides, if you have enough of those Super Sonic Vodka Tonics I guarantee you won't be hungry anymore.

Joey's. Vancouver. [audio:Joey.mp3]

Filed Under Vancouver, Wings
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I Am On A 24 Hour, Hot Dog Diet.

Written by Esquire
May 7, 2010

Spilling while Im eating, I encourage you to try it. They call it the Zen Dog: Hot dog, chili, celery, tomatoes, relish, cream cheese, god knows what else. This is the greatest single dog on the planet at 3am on a Tuesday. The crispy piece of celery completely changes everything. I had seriously not eaten a hot dog in the longest time Ikea doesn't count. Yet on this particular day, I ate two. One at lunchtime, and well, one for my next meal at 3am.  How does that even happen? How bizarre, how bizarre. It was like I hit my head and forgot what I ate that day, only to return to the very same item hours later. Just like a goldfish. Can vodka give you a concussion?

The Dogfather is also known to have world renowned DJ's serving the dogs. Be sure to check out Happy Jack's set at El Furniture Warehouse before heading over for this late night snack. Once at the Dogfather, you may be served by yet again, Happy Jack. He truly is the King of Granville.

The Dogfather. Vancouver. [audio:Money to Blow.mp3]

Filed Under Hot Dog, Vancouver
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Appies All The Time. Snack well, friend.