So This Is The New Year. And I Don’t Feel Any Thinner.

Written by Esquire
January 5, 2012

God dam. Another year down, and I'm up...In pounds anyway. From what little I can recollect from the days when I was as a single-man pronounced singlemin there are specifically two events on the tour that are a shoe in for performing singlemin tasks: Weddings and New Year's Eve. Imagine for a moment if you were to combine the two? That is what happened this past NYE. A hybrid NYE Wedding, the most ideal setting for lovers looking for love. Perhaps only Prom night rivals this evening when it comes to the ease of making out with babes.

As it turned out I too found love, in the form of this ice-cream slider above. Now I don't have much of a sweet tooth per say, and maybe it's the wine talking, but this was the most delicious desert I have ever taken down. Fact. Speaking of facts, I'm also beginning to realize the following may be true: Once on the lips forever on the hips. Fuck.

Note: Ice-cream is the new babe.

Mildred's Temple Kitchen. Liberty Village, Toronto, ON [mp3j track="The New Year.mp3"]  

Filed Under Ice cream, Toronto
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Call Me New Ho King. Call Me Mr. Wong. Call Me Insane…

Written by Esquire
September 1, 2011

New Ho King - The true Emperor of the Special Tea Dynasty. Legend has it this is the place where special tea was invented. I know what you may be thinking. Who would need more alcohol when there so much delicious food on the table? Me, for one. No better a way to wash down chicken balls and fried rice then with luke warm Coors Light. Back to the food... their won-ton soup, what a glorious starter. And the honey garlic wings;  they use so much honey you have to clean your hands with 400 grid sandpaper. The plates never seem to stop coming at the Ho. It often feels like you are in a black hole, where hours of eating, drinking, and carrying on go by and no one seems to notice or care.  Maybe its the MSG talking, but I have had more fun at New Ho King then in all the clubs in Toronto combined...Fact.

Note: I have never once eaten here sober, or before 2:47am for that matter.

New Ho King. Toronto, ON. Because of how similar and amazing the intro to both of these tunes are,  It had never occurred to me that Mr Vain and Rhythm is a Dancer are in fact two different songs, performed by two different artists. I quite enjoy how half way through both of these songs there is a deep voiced man who is straight up talking. Mr.Vain. [audio:Mr Vain.mp3] Rhythm. [audio:Rhythm Is A Dancer.mp3]

Filed Under Chinese, Toronto
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I Could Really Use Some Fish Right Now, Fish Right Now, Fish Right Now.

Written by Esquire
June 30, 2010

If you like donuts then you are going to love these Halibut Bites at the Brazen Head. They were as soft as marshmallows. We had quite the evening at the Brazeen Heed. In fact, if I had not stumbled upon this image on my phone, I would have never been able to recall exactly what took place over the weekend.

Read fast, it will sound more exciting: Play in amateur baseball game. Run out of beer in 2nd inning. Reload beer by 4th inning. Win game. Celebrate at Brazen Head. Order food and spirits. Wonder if Krispy Kreme themselves are responsible for creating the wonderful Fish Bites? Pay outlandish bill. Order more drinks. Pay second outlandish bill. Fall off bike. Fall asleep on couch. Wake up. Sun Tan. Fall asleep in the sun. Dream about Fish Bites. Attend Much Music Awards After Party. Hit Bottle service. Fall on a Raptor. Leave party by force. Fall asleep on couch. Get on an airplane. Find image of Fish  Bites on phone. Feel both physically and emotionally empty inside. Cry. Repeat cycle. Wow. I love Toronto.

Note: Fell on a Raptor? You may be thinking: Does he mean fell off a rafter? No, I mean fell on an actual  7ft Toronto Raptor. A player. Fuck.

Brazen Head. Toronto. Airplanes. [audio:Airplanes.mp3]

Filed Under Fish, Toronto
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Island Foods. In The Sun.

Written by Esquire
June 10, 2010

Island Foods is one of my favorite roti spots in Toronto. For those of you who live under a rock, the roti is pretty much the burrito of the Caribbean. Roti 's are filled with various curries and other spicy Island delights. It often takes years of training your belly to handle these interesting spices and flavors.

Due to the fact that it's been hot as balls in Toronto lately, it's often difficult to take down a whole roti in one sitting. After all, they are huge bitches. Your going to need to drink something. Thank god for Grace Ginger beer.

Note: Although not technically a sweet, I recommend grabbing a few  Jamaican patties for desert. Sweet ups.

Island Foods. Toronto. [audio:Got Money in The Sun.mp3]

Filed Under Roti, Toronto
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Happiness, Is A Warm Bun.

Written by Esquire
June 7, 2010

School is a nice little lunch spot in Liberty Village, Toronto. Their menu is very clever. It's printed on loose leaf paper, similar to the sheets used in actual school. Very clever indeed. I dropped into the SBC Burger with yam fries. Although the bun was a little large for the patty, it was nicely toasted and brushed with some of that spicy aioli.  It's hard to find an item without that condiment these days. Word in the yard is they have a decent weekend brunch as well.

After your meal head across the street to Brazen Head for ye old after school special. The Guinness & Strongbow combo is a wonderful way to achieve mid day drunk status. Day drinking is of course very reminiscent of being in high school, although I think the mixture was Growers & OE back then.

Note: In theory, or hypothetically speaking as they say -  If I were to have had a child when I was in the 11th grade day drunk = poor decisions it's conceivable that little barrel of joy would be in high school today. Wow, I'm old as balls.  Wait, did I add that up right? I was never very good at math. If this is even remotely possible then fuck my actual life. Thank god intercourse was non existent in those days.

School. Liberty Village, Toronto. [audio:Happiness is a warm gun.mp3]

Filed Under Burger, Toronto
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Wasted Away Again In Margherita (Pizza) Ville.

Written by Esquire
February 14, 2010

Ordering the Margherita is truly the best way to measure the quality of an establishment's pizza pie. I must say Terroni's has perfected this art. They have one of the finest pies you will find in Toronto. I could eat there every day. The sauce is outstanding, and the dough is perfect. There is much hype surrounding this spot. In this case,  believe.

Terroni's is known for their stern protocol. My friend always insists on toying with the servers and asks to substitute toppings, and to have the pizza served cut. This always makes them extremely angry. They will go into this spiel about how the owner does not allow substitutions, and his signature is to serve pizza uncut. I suppose that's how they do it in the old country. They are totally Pizza Nazis, It's amazing. This certainly adds to the ambience of Terroni.

Note: If you really want to mess with them, ask for parmesan cheese for your pizza. That request may actually get you kicked out. Some people claim that there's a women to blame. But I know. Its my own dam fault.

Terroni. Toronto. [audio:Margaritaville.mp3]

Filed Under Italian, Music, Peppers, Pizza, Toronto
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I Make It Rain, I Make It Rain, I Make It Rain Librettos.

Written by Esquire
January 11, 2010

Arugula and the Old Boy


Pizzeria Libretto makes a very nice pie. Check them out in Toronto. They have received much hype as of late. The pizza has a nice sauce and a really thin crust, similar to a roti. Libretto always seems to be jammed from 5:30pm on, so roll early. Actually, I just heard they are now open for lunch. Booyah.

Note: You won't combine Pizza and Roti, making a highbred Pizzaroti?  That would be amazing. I hope I live to see that day. Iv'e also been waiting on the release of the hover board from Back to the Future Part 2. We are now officially in the future and still no sign of it.  I remain doubtful, yet patiently I wait.

Pizzeria Libretto. Toronto. [audio:makeitrain.mp3]

Filed Under Italian, Music, Pizza, Toronto
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Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay Ay. El Asador. Ay Mi Morena, De Mi Corazon

Written by Esquire
November 15, 2009


The crispy rolled tocos at  Tacos El Asador on Bloor are almost as hot as these three (both temperature and spice).  Actually every taco they make is awesome. I cannot guarantee there will be babes of this caliber present, but I would still suggest you go for the food alone. The crispy rolled tacos are all time. I ate 5 once. That was not the best idea.

Tacos El Asador. Toronto, ON. [audio:Desperado Theme.mp3]

Filed Under Mexican, Toronto
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California (Sandwiches). Here we come.

Written by Esquire
November 6, 2009

One of the best Italian sandwich spots in Toronto is California Sandwiches. They now have multiple locations, but the original is in an actual house, in the middle of a subdivision near College St. I think my friend's grandma used to next door in the 60's. The Queensway location has one of the prettiest girls I have ever seen working the cash. Each sandwich can easily feed two. I still always eat the whole thing myself.

California Sandwiches. Toronto. [audio:California.mp3]

Filed Under Italian, Sandwich, Toronto
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Last Dance For Mary (Browns) Jane. One Drum Stick To Kill The Pain.

Written by Esquire
October 26, 2009


This place has amazing fried chicken, Im surprised its not in the United States.  What's equally impressive is their taters. Its as though they have some how made the taters taste identical to the chicken. Perhaps they apply actual chicken skin to potatoes, then bread them? Any time you are in middle earth Ontario, be sure to check this place out. Mary Browns. The locations are hard to find but well worth the search.  Clue: There is one right near Yorkdale on Dufferin. Booyah.

Mary Browns. Ontario.

[audio:Mary Jane.mp3]

Filed Under Chicken, Toronto
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Appies All The Time. Snack well, friend.