We Ate Subs In A Hopeless Place.



Written by Esquire
December 29, 2011






Nothing brings me joy quite like breaking out a steaming hot pizza sub on a charter flight. The smell of pepperoni can be picked up upwards of nine rows in each direction, masking many of the vile smells usually present in the vessel. Seeing all the hopeless faces watching over me as I eat, how they glare at me with envious eyes. A small ration of Bits & Bites are all these commoners have to appease their hunger. If only for that moment, I am King, surrounded by starving peasants.

Note: This photo suggests I am eating in a discotheque. Regrettably nothing is further from the truth. Speaking of which, this new Rihanna track is borderline techno, it must be bumping in the club? But what would I know. I’m in my 30′s. Can someone in their 20′s please tell me if this is a hot track?

Subway. Whatever.

 


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Sad Songs For Dirty Aprons.



Written by Esquire
August 22, 2011






Dirty Apron has a nice little deli. Some would call it a secret deli, as they are mainly known for their cooking classes. Actually, If you get the chance you should take one of those too. It’s good times, and most importantly they serve wine as you are learning to cook the meal. From the deli, every sandwich I have tried so far has been banging. Take for example this pork Vietnamese sub above.  This sub was dirty. The good kind of dirty of course.

Note: I’m referring to Catholic High School girl dirty as apposed to East Van crack whore dirty. I mention this because both can be found in this area of town.

Dirty Apron. Vancouver, BC.

♫ Fashion Coat (Album: Sad Songs For Dirty Lovers)

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She’s Lump. She’s Lump. She’s Lump. She’s Meat And Bread.



Written by Esquire
June 23, 2011






This place is pretty awesome. They may only have three flavors of sandwiches on their menu, but that’s clearly all they need. I have been there many times and they have never let me down. The Porchetta is said to be the most desirable sandwich they have. This is incorrect. I personally don’t care much for the fatty chunks often found in this sandwich. Don’t get me wrong it’s delicious, but it’s the Spicy meatball that has won my heart. I recommend going with a friend and ordering all three sandwiches on the menu. That way you each get to sample the variety, and decide for yourself which is best.

Note: Spice is the variety of life. Ask for extra Sriracha.

Meat and Bread. Vancouver, BC

♫ She’s Lump . ( I refuse to download this song)

 


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It Was A Double Decker Club. For Both Of Us. To Dine By Your Side. It’s Such A Heavenly Way To Dine.



Written by Esquire
November 20, 2010






As fall turns to winter, I find myself listening to the Smith’s on a daily basis. It is a sad, sad day. I didn’t even eat this sandwich above, I just stared at it for half an hour, and contemplated crying.  Fine, I may have had a bite or two. Either way my appetite is not yet itself. During the summer months I craved only the delicious nectar, vodka be thy name. As fall progressed, my hunger returned at an alarming rate. Yet I recently spent a week in California where I ate this salmon club sandwich and for what ever reason I could only stomach half of this delicious creation by world renowned Chef Pashley. Even my trusty eating counterpart Big Mountain Kevi above could only take down half as well which would barely be enough calories to service one of his thighs. Maybe it was the 42 Vodka sodas we had consumed the evening before that effected our appetite? Maybe it was the shame of eating the whole bag of Totinos pizza rolls at 3am? Who knows…

Note: Now that I have returned to North Mexico Canada, I give it a week before my appetite is back up to speed.  It’s time to stock pile pounds, winter is here. I do have a warning for Pashley’s delicious Salmon Club Sandwich: “The first time we embraced, I was timid and confused.  I vow the next time the two of us meet, I shall not be as lenient. I will show no mercy. I will have my revenge”.

Also of note: The Seaside Market rules. I would shop there everyday for the cougar viewing alone. Produce and babes. A winning combo.

Cardiff Seaside Market. California.

♫ There is a light…

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I’ll Stop The World Tuna Melt With You.



Written by Esquire
September 29, 2010






This was a nice looking sandwich. It had the look of a desert, perhaps like two scoops of ice cream. In fact all the sandwiches at Phat Deli are displayed nicely. This melt had various types of cheese on it. Mozza on top, and cheddar on the bottom. Nicely melted bro.

Speaking of ice cream, there are a bunch of Gelato spots around town that do every flavor you can think of. I wouldn’t put it past these nut jobs to whip up tuna flavored ice cream. Roast. Actually, gross. That would be a real bummer dude. Although, no worse then Vegemite flavor which by the way is legitimately on the menu at one spot.

Phat Deli. Yaletown, Vancouver.

Melt.

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Filed Under Sandwich, Tuna, Vancouver
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Subway Be My Friend Tonight. Subway Be My Friend Tonight.



Written by Esquire
July 16, 2010







I curse the gods for putting a Subway so close to my apartment. On most days  I despise this place with all that I am. When sober, I would never step foot in this establishment for the sole reason that my clothing will smell like strange bread for the remainder of the day. Yet on certain occasions I can’t help but to remember that Subway has gotten me out of some serious jams. Airport hunger, yes. However in this instance I am referring to late night adventures gone wrong. As a human, I realize sometimes the body can no longer function unless you give it substance. Vodka soda… regrettably not on the sustainability list.  Subway is my only late night friend… a friend who will always be there for me, nourish me, offer me chocolate milk and such. Subway is my new BFF? If so then FML…. Fuck Mel’s Life™.

It’s plausible the only reason I have this new friend is because the location by my place is now open 24 hrs. It’s green and yellow fluorescent sign glares into my window late at night.  I can feel it presence, constantly taunting me, calling out my name. Help me Cold Cut-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope“.

Note: Would Subway please introduce a 9 inch sub option already? For the love of god, clearly 6 inch’s is a child’s sandwich. 12 inches are for boheims and Americans. Please.  And by earlier stating FML I am referring to Mel Gibson’s life. His actual life. Clearly our lives could not be any worse then his at this point in time. I can’t believe this is the same man that brought us Braveheart.

I never want to eat alone. I never want to see her eat alone.

Subway. Everywhere. Gross.

Darkness.

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I’m Not Looking For A New England Clam Chowder. I’m Just Looking For Another Girl.



Written by Esquire
July 13, 2010






Due to the fact that I don’t eat sea bugs, I’ve never ingested Clams of any sort, until recently. If I had known that Clam Chowder tasted like rich buttery Alfredo sauce, surely I would have tried this shit years ago. As it turns out my allergies to ocean insects have subsided to a degree. I enjoyed the soup without being fully choked out.  My ears and throat where a little itchy, but that was the extent of it. This Chowder and Ahi Tuna Club sandwich combo certainly hit the spot.

Note: I couldn’t help but to notice that at Coast every guest is treated as though they are wealthy. Cloth napkins are placed on your lap, and wine glasses are used, even for water. This is standard protocol, even for those who look like dirtbags.  What a nice feature.

Coast. Vancouver, BC.

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Filed Under Fish, Sandwich, Soup, Vancouver
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Because Your Sub, Your Sub, Your Sub, Is My Drug.



Written by Esquire
March 15, 2010






I’ve walked by Finch’s a thousand times and never once thought to step inside. I figured it was a local hang out for artists to discuss art with other artists, over a coffee specifically not from Starbucks. It’s all very artsy. This diverse crowd also suggests vegan types frequent this establishment, so I always steered clear. Little did I know Finch’s makes amazing sandwiches. I guess the proper word at a tea house would be a baguette. Where Im from, we call them submarines, as they are shaped like Das Boot.  Inside this particular sub was prosciutto, pear, brie, and candied walnuts. Dope as. It was so good  even those who claim they don’t eat meat but they sure like the bone would enjoy it. It was very much like crack, all it takes is one hit and your hooked. I considered going back for dinner that very evening. The following day while eating a different sandwich from a different place, all I could think about was the flavor overload that Finch’s had earlier provided.

Note: Don’t let my haste towards the Art Community confuse you. I merely poke fun because I lack creativity.  Besides, we share the same enemy. Artsy people despise the common man as much as I do. My enemies enemy is my friend?

Finch’s. Vancouver, BC.

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If You A Fat Chick Gettin Your Fu*k On Tonight Bamboo, Oooh, Oooh, Oooh.



Written by Esquire
February 12, 2010






The Chicken Pesto Panini at Bamboo Cafe is really something else. If you are in Gastown its definitely a good spot to check out for lunch. The spread is a pesto aioli of sorts, on a nicely toasted panini. They also have this energy Kool-aid type of product called Vroom in their fountain. I usually only drink water, but at Bamboo I always get this drink. Refreshing to say the least, and full of electrolytes.  I think it would be awesome with vodka, but Bamboo is the only place I have seen this product.  Regrettably, they do not sell the vodka drink at this cafe.

Bamboo Cafe. Gastown, Vancouver.

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Filed Under Music, Sandwich, Vancouver
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Guess Who’s Back In The Motherf#ing House, With A Phat Deli For Your Motherf#ing Mouth?



Written by Esquire
January 14, 2010






Phat Deli in Yaletown is a great little lunch spot. They actually import the smoked meat from the infamous Swartz’s Deli in Montreal, a fine establishment.  Although the amount of meat is sub par compared to Swartz’s version, its still a good sandwich. For Yaletown the price seems within reason. If you Frenchmen are feeling homesick, check it. I think they also have a poutine. I will have to find out next round.

Phat Deli. Yaletown, Vancouver.

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It Aint No Fun. Snoop Dogg.

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Appies All The Time. Snack well, friend.