So If There’s Something You’d Like To Try. If There’s Something Perhaps A Fry.



Written by Esquire
July 29, 2011






I wouldn't exactly call myself a lover of fries. Don't get me wrong, if there's gravy present, or if they are inside a Cali burrito, then I will take them down with no remorse. But fries on their own are certainly not my first choice. With that being said, the Long Beach Fry is an exception to this rule. They may very well be best god dam fries west of Vancouver. The ratio of outer crispiness to potato filling is perfect. They are so good, putting gravy on them may actually ruin the dish. This last statement is false and is used for dramatic effect only. Gravy makes everything taste better: fact. If you head due west and go until you can go no further, you will surely find yourself in Tofino. Your first instinct will be to rent a surf board. I suggest you hit up Long Beach Lodge's lounge instead. Accept the fact that you will never be a surfer,  and dive into a plate of those deep fried bitches. Surf's fucking up mates. 

Note: Don't burn drift wood in Tofino. The locals get extremely  Local on yo ass when you do such things. Writing frightening verse, to a buck-toothed girl in Luxemburg. Long Beach Lodge. Tofino, BC.
      ♫ Ask.

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Filed Under Fries, Smiths, Tofino
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It’s Too Late To Eat French Fries. It’s Too Late.



Written by Esquire
February 15, 2011






What is it about the wee hours of the morning that make the body desire all that is terrible  for you? Surely greasy fried foods are the exact opposite of what one should be eating late night. If you are anything like me, you would not be caught dead entering one of these deep fried establishments in daylight hours New York Fries In the Mall doesn't count. Most of the time  we all steer clear of these grease pits. But then comes the weekend. Friday: You finish the work day, attempt to wash away the filth of the week by having a drink at the pub close to your office, but before you know it all hell breaks loose. One minute you are in a cubicle at work discussing where to go for a quick drink. The next you are raging at 2am on Granville St, sizing up ESL students and searching for something/anything that has been deep fried. Trust me I know. Not the cubicle part, but I know.

Note: The irresponsible  drinking, the constant whoring around, the questionable late night food choices... You humans disgust me. Have some self dignity for god sakes. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

      ♫Apologize.

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Hurts So Good. Come On Mayonnaise Make It Hurt So Good.



Written by Esquire
January 31, 2010






The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing the world to eat fries dipped in mayonnaise.- Job 2:19.

If the inventor of mayonnaise is receiving residuals of any kind for his creation, surely he is absolutely killing it these days. Fried potatoes and mayo.  This combination of grease and fat is next level shit. We as human beings should all be very proud.  You would imagine these products would be a tough sell in this fragile market of Weight Watching and Biggest Loser-ing. Apparently this is not at all the case. At Fritz they even have several different flavors of mayonnaise to top your fritz.

Biggest Loser Couples -Its changing lives. I actually have a Hockey-like Pool going for this show. Each gambler picks the contestant they think will loose the most weight by the finale. Winner takes all. Just to clarify, Im serious. I have 10$ on Sam, one of the Samoan cousins on Team Grey. I cheer for him every Tuesday. I wish misery and failure to all that stand in his our way. When Sam wins a challenge, I feel proud. When he weeps, sadness fills my heart.  If I were on the Moon of Pandora, Sam would be my Avatar.

Note: I originally started watching The Biggest Loser in hopes it would motivate me to be more active. Regrettably all it ever does is make me crave chicken fingers.

Fritz European Fry House. Vancouver.

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Filed Under Aoili, Fries, Music, Vancouver
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Appies All The Time. Snack well, friend.