I Was Looking For A Dog And Then I Found A Dog. And Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now.



Written by Esquire
December 1, 2010






I was at Mammoth Mountain in California not all that long ago. We put on a BBQ in the freezing cold.  I cooked for two hours, with only the warmth of hot dog smoke to shield me from the elements. It was miserable. Heaven knows. My brand new coat still smells of Frank Furter himself. Oye Vey. On a positive note, I ended up becoming one with the grill, and worked with a wide selection of meats. We purchased a plethora of various brands of dogs and burgers. Normally I would stick with one brand, but being in foreign lands I figured why not try them all. After much testing, I must say Hebrew National is the dog for me. Not only is it delicious, but it's Kosher. I have no idea what this entails, but it seems like a fine feature. The Jews sure know whats up. First they master the bagel, and now this. And we can't forget about that Jerry Seinfeld. He can do no wrong. Mazel tov.

Hebrew National.

      ♫ Heaven.

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I Am On A 24 Hour, Hot Dog Diet.



Written by Esquire
May 7, 2010






Spilling while Im eating, I encourage you to try it. They call it the Zen Dog: Hot dog, chili, celery, tomatoes, relish, cream cheese, god knows what else. This is the greatest single dog on the planet at 3am on a Tuesday. The crispy piece of celery completely changes everything. I had seriously not eaten a hot dog in the longest time Ikea doesn't count. Yet on this particular day, I ate two. One at lunchtime, and well, one for my next meal at 3am.  How does that even happen? How bizarre, how bizarre. It was like I hit my head and forgot what I ate that day, only to return to the very same item hours later. Just like a goldfish. Can vodka give you a concussion?

The Dogfather is also known to have world renowned DJ's serving the dogs. Be sure to check out Happy Jack's set at El Furniture Warehouse before heading over for this late night snack. Once at the Dogfather, you may be served by yet again, Happy Jack. He truly is the King of Granville.

The Dogfather. Vancouver.

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Only Once The Dogs Are Done. That I Feel Like Dying. I Feel Like Dining.



Written by Esquire
April 6, 2010






Question: When a foreigner is handed their immigration papers, is there an Ikea catalog included in the "Welcome to Canada" package? The reason I ask,  I've noticed Immigrants tend to flock to Ikea like a bird to seeds. Just so you know, my brown father was technically an immigrant once and I adore all ethnic. Im merely relaying what I observed, specifically in the hot dog section. As I waited in this tremendous multicultural line, I closed my eyes and listened. If I didn't know any better I could swear I was amidst a bizarre in Calcutta. The next time I watch Slum Dog Millionaire and consider booking a trip to India specifically to find that actual girl in the movie, I will eat hotdogs at Ikea instead. Same great experience, one low price.

Note: The dogs are merely a snack, treat them as such. Enjoy only 2 units, no more, no less. How dare they price them at 50 cents each. The unbelievable savings confused my judgement. I made a terrible error. I ate 4. I felt like dying. Of course it was still considered a snack and technically not a whole meal of food so...part of me still felt like dinning.

Ikea. Swedish for common sense.

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Appies All The Time. Snack well, friend.