Out Of The Blue (Bear Truck).



Written by Esquire
February 8, 2012






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Denver, the sunshine state...gorgeous. I've been eating really healthy lately. And then I went to America. I'm not food truck fan per say I prefer being served my meal, and eating indoors. However, any excuse to get out of a trade show for a few moments was reason enough to go slumming. The slider and grill cheese from Blue Bear Truck was really something else. As were the garlic fries included in this combo. Also of note was a delicious hot mustard which we dipped the fries in because clearly the garlic parmesan rub wasn't enough. To understand an American, one must eat like an American...I should be American.

Blue Bear Truck. Denver, CO.
      Out of the Blue - Julian Casablancas
 
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This Was The Worst Cheeseburger In Paradise.



Written by Esquire
August 3, 2011






On account of it being hot as balls today, I am reminded of a trip I once took to Hawaii. I was in indeed in paradise, until we went to a place called Cheeseburgers in Paradise.  Question: How can you have Cheeseburger in the name of your establishment, but not know the first thing about making an actual cheeseburger? I am aware this particular Waikiki location is a tourist trap, but this was some next level bullshit. Just because your guests resemble cattle, it does not mean you should serve them trough food pronounced troff. I am not usually a hater, but in this case I will supply the link to ensure you never eat here. Much like the cheeseburgers, this song also sucks. However, the slow mo antics of David Lee Roth may be worth checking.

Note: Surprisingly, the piña coladas were exceptional.

Chesseburgers In Paradise. Hawaii.

♫ Paradise. DLR.


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Hey McRib You So Fine. You So Fine You Blow My Mind.



Written by Esquire
July 28, 2011






For more then two decades I had sought after this sandwich, yet never had the opportunity to try it. I imagined it to be similar to the  711 BBQ pork sandwich, which is mechanically pressed to look like ribs. I had to find out for myself. It was not until shortly after eating and drinking my face off at a wedding that the McRib and I finally crossed paths. The problem was, I was so full and drunk from the wedding, all I could stomach was one bite. I don't remember much, but my dress shirt sure did. Shit got covered in sauce. I assume it was BBQ? But then again it could have been nugget sauce, or even ketchup from the cheeseburgers? Jesus, come to think of it we ordered a lot more then just the McRib. So that's why I couldn't breathe the next morning. Nice little 4000 calorie eve. Fuck.

Note: This photo is as fuzzy as my only memory of the McRib. Perhaps it's best to leave it that way. Until next year you swine.

 

McDonalds. ♫ Hey Mickey.    

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Waka Flocka Flame Broiled.



Written by Esquire
June 28, 2011






This morning I awoke and recollected nothing, absolutely nothing.  I looked around my apartment and realized everything was too perfectly in place. I thought to myself The drunk version of me cant possibly be this good can he? I instantly got that nervous feeling, but I was at ease once I saw my wallet and iphone neatly placed on my counter. I then made moves to the fridge. Again, everything looked proper. And then of course I opened the garbage and saw this above. What the fuck a flame? I have no recollection what so ever, but it is clear I made a trip to the BK at some point in my drunken escapade. What did I even order? I have no fucking clue. Was the meal any good? I sure hope so. Was the Black Keys concert any good? Again, I sure hope so. I am a real piece of work sometimes. It's so weird because I usually remember everything - This last statement is completely false but it's what I keep telling myself. I suppose that's how you Monday? Dear god, help me... Flocka!

Note: This song is real grimey, son. Burger King.
      ♬ Hard in da paint.

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Hey Mama Burger. I Want To Scream So Loud For You.



Written by Esquire
November 17, 2010






I just had A&W for the first time. I know, where the fuck have I been? Not too sure mates.  Although we have only just met, I get the feeling A & I will be seeing much more of each other. This new relationship is very exciting. We are still in the honeymoon stage.  I just recently met the Mama. Who knows, maybe next time I meet the Teen, then Papa, and so on, and so forth.

The location right by my home closes at midnight. This is a good thing for me. If it stayed open any later  I am likely to dine there four nights a week on account of my late night escapades. That can't be good for anybody.

Note: What has my life become? I will miss last burger call simply because I am out for actual last call? Jesus, I should be ashamed... But I'm not.

A&W.
      ♫ Hey Mama.

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Big Mac Stikes Again.



Written by Esquire
October 25, 2010






It's no secret that dinning at the Mcdonalds is frowned upon. But let's be realistic, when your drunk, Big Mac's are fucking awesome.  Although, there is one thing that has been troubling me. When did they get so small? I have not indulged in a Mac Attack for some time, but I could have sworn they were much larger. I suppose the spirits I previously enjoyed could have altered my size perception?

Note: On a previous late night snacking adventure,  I happened to stumble upon a Whopper from BK.   Holly fuck shit, that god dam thing is like eating two Big Macs.  It was ten pounds if it was an ounce. I'm not sure if that's good or bad? Either way, it's a different company, It's a different quality of product.

McDonalds.

      Bigmouth.

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She Said She Liked To Order Take Out. I Said That’s Just Fine With Me. That Way We Can Tan And Eat Nimby.



Written by Esquire
July 23, 2010






Nimby is a nice little take-out spot right by Kits Beach. Finally I can do two of my favorite things at once, eat while tanning. I know what your thinking, it's tough to eat lying down. Fear not, for if the secret burger sauce is ever to drip on your chest, just rub it in. It doubles as a hybrid oil based tanning lotion.

I can't believe it took that long for someone to realize you need take-out food close to a beach. Come to think of it no one ever actually eats at Bar Beach. There are always a bunch of assholes doing all kinds of weird shit like wrestling, tight rope, flare bar-tending, devil sticks, medieval role play, etc. But no eating. It's probably because everyone is too concerned about flexing and showing off their horrific tribal tattoos. Please Nimby, fatten these people up already. Actually, while your at it, please fatten up those fries your serving as well.  Shoe strings just don't cut it. Your burger is pretty dam good, but the fries could use some work, or girth rather.

Note: Nimby Burger. In Canada this is as close as we may ever come to the beloved In N Out. I'll take it. But then again, these days I'll take anything.

Nimby Burger. Kits, Vancouver.
      Chopsticks

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Happiness, Is A Warm Bun.



Written by Esquire
June 7, 2010






School is a nice little lunch spot in Liberty Village, Toronto. Their menu is very clever. It's printed on loose leaf paper, similar to the sheets used in actual school. Very clever indeed. I dropped into the SBC Burger with yam fries. Although the bun was a little large for the patty, it was nicely toasted and brushed with some of that spicy aioli.  It's hard to find an item without that condiment these days. Word in the yard is they have a decent weekend brunch as well.

After your meal head across the street to Brazen Head for ye old after school special. The Guinness & Strongbow combo is a wonderful way to achieve mid day drunk status. Day drinking is of course very reminiscent of being in high school, although I think the mixture was Growers & OE back then.

Note: In theory, or hypothetically speaking as they say -  If I were to have had a child when I was in the 11th grade day drunk = poor decisions it's conceivable that little barrel of joy would be in high school today. Wow, I'm old as balls.  Wait, did I add that up right? I was never very good at math. If this is even remotely possible then fuck my actual life. Thank god intercourse was non existent in those days.

School. Liberty Village, Toronto.

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Appies All The Time. Snack well, friend.