Sweet And Tender-loin Hooligan.

Written by Esquire
November 2, 2012


If I ever end up with a disease, I hope it will be The Gout. Anything with a THE in front of the name demands respect. The gout is commonly referred to as the rich mans disease or the disease of kings. Maybe it is just me, but this makes it sound totally awesome. That is why at least once a year I put the gift cards my parents give me each Christmas to good use and dine at the Keg. I drink red wine like it is going out of style, and I order the filet mignon wrapped in bacon.

Fact: Hollandaise sauce is a condiment for a king. Tread carefully, arteries close instantly once you consume this magical sauce.

The Keg. [mp3j track="Sweet And Tender Hooligan - The Smiths@Sweet And Tender Hooligan.mp3"]  

Filed Under Smiths, Steak
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(Pizza) Hut Your Mouth. How Can you Say. I Go About Things The Wrong Way.

Written by Esquire
October 2, 2012

Sometimes I'm an eating embarrassment to myself. Above was clearly one of those times. Apparently the Pan-ormous commercial worked. The promise of grander lured me in. I ordered the Mega Meal only to find out It's all a sham. For the only thing pan-ormous was the amount of crust. I love my carbs as much as the next boheim, but this was out of hand. Curses to you Pizza Hut. Burn me once, yada yada yada... yet I keep coming back for more. You have left me both physically and emotionally scarred.

Fact: I was awarded employee of the month August at my local Pizza Hut when I was 15. True story. On account of my childhood success, I suppose I still have a soft spot for the Hut. However, I'm serious about being physically scarred. It was the mid 90's. We were young and foolish then.  While in the thick of dinner service I was moving pans under the oven. Just then a fresh pizza come barreling out of the oven and tipped. There was no escaping the pipping hot 100% Canola oil. I cursed as it poured down my elbow. The water, it did nothing to aid my pain. 3rd degree burns yo. This was my first of many battle wounds I have received from pizzas over the years. A scar that can be seen to this very day. This mark now acts as a constant reminder that I am human and I need to be loved. Just like everybody else does.

Pizza Hut.

♫How soon is now. Smiths. 

Filed Under Azia, Pizza, Smiths
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Please Please Cheese. Let Me Get What I Want This Time.

Written by Esquire
October 8, 2011


For once in my life, can I please get served a proper Nacho dish? It's no secret that in order to achieve a successful Nacho one must layer the cheeses and ingredients accordingly. If you don't use a layering technique, it renders 85% of the dish useless.  On top of that, almost every establishment has the nerve of charging $20 a plate and of course $4 extra for a thimble of gaucamole. Fuck you Pubs everywhere. Save yourself the trouble and go buy a bag of Dorritos. At least they are seasoned. Despite my love for the appetizer, I almost never order nachos. But alas, finally I have found a worthy dish. My beloved Mexican friends at Salsa and Agave, but of course.  Their layering of the cheeses is incredible. They even use that white Mexican cheese that I like so much. They serve the meat on the side for personalized distribution. To top it off they are only $10. I promise you will be pleased with their chos, bros. Lord knows it would be the first time.

Note: Usually the cardinal rule is Chos before Hos. But in this case you are going to want to share. If you eat this whole dish all by yourself, then god have mercy on your soul.  In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sanct. Salsa and Agave. Vancouver, BC. [mp3j track="Please Please Please.mp3"]  

Filed Under Mexican, Nachos, Smiths
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So If There’s Something You’d Like To Try. If There’s Something Perhaps A Fry.

Written by Esquire
July 29, 2011

I wouldn't exactly call myself a lover of fries. Don't get me wrong, if there's gravy present, or if they are inside a Cali burrito, then I will take them down with no remorse. But fries on their own are certainly not my first choice. With that being said, the Long Beach Fry is an exception to this rule. They may very well be best god dam fries west of Vancouver. The ratio of outer crispiness to potato filling is perfect. They are so good, putting gravy on them may actually ruin the dish. This last statement is false and is used for dramatic effect only. Gravy makes everything taste better: fact. If you head due west and go until you can go no further, you will surely find yourself in Tofino. Your first instinct will be to rent a surf board. I suggest you hit up Long Beach Lodge's lounge instead. Accept the fact that you will never be a surfer,  and dive into a plate of those deep fried bitches. Surf's fucking up mates. 

Note: Don't burn drift wood in Tofino. The locals get extremely  Local on yo ass when you do such things. Writing frightening verse, to a buck-toothed girl in Luxemburg. Long Beach Lodge. Tofino, BC. ♫ Ask. [audio:Ask.mp3]

Filed Under Fries, Smiths, Tofino
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16 Clumsy And Shy. I Went To London Pub And Died.

Written by Esquire
July 27, 2011


London pub is located in what was once was considered the hood of Vancouver. Quite recently this area has cleaned up nicely, but it's not uncommon to see the odd day walker lurking about every now and then.  I quite enjoy places that at first glance appear seedy, but inside are actually clean and safe. Yes I am a poser, but a Hep/Hiv-free poser nonetheless. I have put in shifts at the LP several times now, and my ratio of getting Myrtle Beach drunk compare to remaining sober is a whopping 9:1. For snacks,  the poutine they serve could potentially feed a family of four. If you order this solo, you may as well be entering yourself in an eating challenge. I saw this man above unable to get through just half his bowl. I had no choice but to jump in and finish the rest in his honor. Looking back, I probably should have used a fork.

Note: I like it here can I stay. Do you have a vacancy, for a back scrubber? London Pub, Vancouver. [mp3j track="Half A Person.mp3"]  

Filed Under Poutine, Smiths
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Cheese Sticks. Cheese Sticks I was Only Joking When I Said I’d Like To…

Written by Esquire
July 19, 2011


Last week 14 dudes and I were on a man trip doing man things in the California desert. After going there I am certain this is a place where vampires roam. For during the day there wasn't a sole in sight. Not one. Yet as night fell It was clear something was lurking among us. In the small village of Borrego Springs we stumbled on a Vamp bar called Carlees. Close your eyes and picture Erik's bar from True Blood... this was exactly the same, only with carpet. We ordered only deep fried products, which is standard protocol when dinning in suspect establishments such as this. To our surprise we were served the best mozza sticks of our professional careers. I was of course drunk so my judgement may have been slightly off, but I'm certain these sticks were something else. I wonder if maybe I was glamored by the waiter-vamp? Or could it be that Vampires may actually enjoy cooking? Either way, banging sticks.

Note: Speaking of banging sticks, how can vampires get boners if they have no blood flowing through them? True Blood Erik and Bill Compton are always banging, as is Edward from the Twilight Saga. How is this happening?

I suppose Morrissey could be a vampire.  He claims he doesn't bang anybody.

Carlees. Borrego Springs, CA. ♫ Bigmouth. [audio:Bigmouth.mp3]  

Filed Under Smiths
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I Was Looking For A Dog And Then I Found A Dog. And Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now.

Written by Esquire
December 1, 2010

I was at Mammoth Mountain in California not all that long ago. We put on a BBQ in the freezing cold.  I cooked for two hours, with only the warmth of hot dog smoke to shield me from the elements. It was miserable. Heaven knows. My brand new coat still smells of Frank Furter himself. Oye Vey. On a positive note, I ended up becoming one with the grill, and worked with a wide selection of meats. We purchased a plethora of various brands of dogs and burgers. Normally I would stick with one brand, but being in foreign lands I figured why not try them all. After much testing, I must say Hebrew National is the dog for me. Not only is it delicious, but it's Kosher. I have no idea what this entails, but it seems like a fine feature. The Jews sure know whats up. First they master the bagel, and now this. And we can't forget about that Jerry Seinfeld. He can do no wrong. Mazel tov.

Hebrew National.

♫ Heaven. [audio:Heaven Knows.mp3]

Filed Under Hot Dog, Smiths
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It Was A Double Decker Club. For Both Of Us. To Dine By Your Side. It’s Such A Heavenly Way To Dine.

Written by Esquire
November 20, 2010

As fall turns to winter, I find myself listening to the Smith's on a daily basis. It is a sad, sad day. I didn't even eat this sandwich above, I just stared at it for half an hour, and contemplated crying.  Fine, I may have had a bite or two. Either way my appetite is not yet itself. During the summer months I craved only the delicious nectar, vodka be thy name. As fall progressed, my hunger returned at an alarming rate. Yet I recently spent a week in California where I ate this salmon club sandwich and for what ever reason I could only stomach half of this delicious creation by world renowned Chef Pashley. Even my trusty eating counterpart Big Mountain Kevi above could only take down half as well which would barely be enough calories to service one of his thighs. Maybe it was the 42 Vodka sodas we had consumed the evening before that effected our appetite? Maybe it was the shame of eating the whole bag of Totinos pizza rolls at 3am? Who knows...

Note: Now that I have returned to North Mexico Canada, I give it a week before my appetite is back up to speed.  It's time to stock pile pounds, winter is here. I do have a warning for Pashley's delicious Salmon Club Sandwich: "The first time we embraced, I was timid and confused.  I vow the next time the two of us meet, I shall not be as lenient. I will show no mercy. I will have my revenge".

Also of note: The Seaside Market rules. I would shop there everyday for the cougar viewing alone. Produce and babes. A winning combo.

Cardiff Seaside Market. California.

♫ There is a light... [audio:There Is A Light.mp3]

Filed Under Sandwich, Smiths
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Big Mac Stikes Again.

Written by Esquire
October 25, 2010

It's no secret that dinning at the Mcdonalds is frowned upon. But let's be realistic, when your drunk, Big Mac's are fucking awesome.  Although, there is one thing that has been troubling me. When did they get so small? I have not indulged in a Mac Attack for some time, but I could have sworn they were much larger. I suppose the spirits I previously enjoyed could have altered my size perception?

Note: On a previous late night snacking adventure,  I happened to stumble upon a Whopper from BK.   Holly fuck shit, that god dam thing is like eating two Big Macs.  It was ten pounds if it was an ounce. I'm not sure if that's good or bad? Either way, it's a different company, It's a different quality of product.


Bigmouth. [audio:Bigmouth.mp3]

Filed Under Burger, Smiths
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Panago The Streets Of London. Panago The Streets Of Birmingham.

Written by Esquire
September 14, 2010

On most occasions Panago can get fucked. Their pizza is neither her nor there. They make an average pie, which serves it's purpose, ideal for Pizza parties and such.  However, what vexes me about this company is that fat construction dude they use in their TV commercials. He acts as a deterrent rather then a reason to order from this spot.  Why is he wearing an apron if he is ordering delivery? He has the look of a walrus. Is Panago insinuating their customers are walruses? Terrible messaging. That's not good for business. That's not good for anybody.  I am very vexed.

Burn down the disco. Hang the blessed DJ. Because the music that they constantly play.

Panago. Canada. Panic. [audio:Panic.mp3]

Filed Under Canada, Pizza, Smiths
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Appies All The Time. Snack well, friend.