Chill Winston probably has the best patio in Gastown, so It’s usually  the drinking and people watching that brings me there. One day while feeling rather peckish I stumbled upon this glorious creation: A poutine dish, topped with an aggressive amount of pulled pork. The fries they use have a nice width to them,  not unlike their cousin the tater. Either way a wonderful snack to have when drinking and sun tanning…while watching zombies walk by. That Main and Hastings intersection certainly acts as a magnet to those daywalkers. What could possibly be in that library?

Note: This is the song I listen to anytime I find myself in Gastown past midnight. The eerie synth sound in the beginning of the tune is fitting for these surroundings. Although, every time the lyrics start an image of Michelle Pfeiffer in a leather jacket pops into my head. Weird.

Chill Winston. Gastown, Vancouver.

Gangster’s Paradise.

Download audio file (Gangster’s Paradise.mp3)

Aioli was initially used among commoners and peasants. Anyone poor as shit only had vegetables to eat, so they will slather it on everything to add flavor. Here in North America where we misinterpret and pretty much fuck up everything aioli  is often a little different. For the record: adding ketchup, mustard, or hot sauce to mayonnaise does not make it aioli. I’m not one to judge, but after seeing how it was done in the old country,  I felt perhaps I could no longer return to the sub-par mayo concoctions I once loved.

Longing for a solution to this madness, I contacted my friend who is very wise, and also happens to be rather charming.  I’ve always marveled at his ability to take lovers of all varieties.  He seems to show no preference to either an attractive mate, or a boheim. His response to my conundrum: Do as I do. Love them all the same.

I suppose Aioli is no exception. I must learn to love all different qualities.  I shall do my best to make it rain aioli on them ho’s fries.  Thank you for your advice my sweet Dieter. What a gentle lover you truly must be.

Mama Said.

Download audio file (Mama Said.mp3)

Nimby is a nice little take-out spot right by Kits Beach. Finally I can do two of my favorite things at once, eat while tanning. I know what your thinking, it’s tough to eat lying down. Fear not, for if the secret burger sauce is ever to drip on your chest, just rub it in. It doubles as a hybrid oil based tanning lotion.

I can’t believe it took that long for someone to realize you need take-out food close to a beach. Come to think of it no one ever actually eats at Bar Beach. There are always a bunch of assholes doing all kinds of weird shit like wrestling, tight rope, flare bar-tending, devil sticks, medieval role play, etc. But no eating. It’s probably because everyone is too concerned about flexing and showing off their horrific tribal tattoos. Please Nimby, fatten these people up already. Actually, while your at it, please fatten up those fries your serving as well.  Shoe strings just don’t cut it. Your burger is pretty dam good, but the fries could use some work, or girth rather.

Note: Nimby Burger. In Canada this is as close as we may ever come to the beloved In N Out. I’ll take it. But then again, these days I’ll take anything.

Nimby Burger. Kits, Vancouver.

Chopsticks

Download audio file (chopsticks.mp3)

It’s plausible the only reason I have this new friend is because the location by my place is now open 24 hrs. It’s green and yellow fluorescent sign glares into my window late at night.  I can feel it presence, constantly taunting me, calling out my name. “Help me Cold Cut-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope“.

Note: Would Subway please introduce a 9 inch sub option already? For the love of god, clearly 6 inch’s is a child’s sandwich. 12 inches are for boheims and Americans. Please.  And by earlier stating FML I am referring to Mel Gibson’s life. His actual life. Clearly our lives could not be any worse then his at this point in time. I can’t believe this is the same man that brought us Braveheart.

I never want to eat alone. I never want to see her eat alone.

Subway. Everywhere. Gross.

Darkness.

Download audio file (Darkness.mp3)

Due to the fact that I don’t eat sea bugs, I’ve never ingested Clams of any sort, until recently. If I had known that Clam Chowder tasted like rich buttery Alfredo sauce, surely I would have tried this shit years ago. As it turns out my allergies to ocean insects have subsided to a degree. I enjoyed the soup without being fully choked out.  My ears and throat where a little itchy, but that was the extent of it. This Chowder and Ahi Tuna Club sandwich combo certainly hit the spot.

Note: I couldn’t help but to notice that at Coast every guest is treated as though they are wealthy. Cloth napkins are placed on your lap, and wine glasses are used, even for water. This is standard protocol, even for those who look like dirtbags.  What a nice feature.

Coast. Vancouver, BC.

Download audio file (A New England.mp3)

Read fast, it will sound more exciting: Play in amateur baseball game. Run out of beer in 2nd inning. Reload beer by 4th inning. Win game. Celebrate at Brazen Head. Order food and spirits. Wonder if Krispy Kreme themselves are responsible for creating the wonderful Fish Bites? Pay outlandish bill. Order more drinks. Pay second outlandish bill. Fall off bike. Fall asleep on couch. Wake up. Sun Tan. Fall asleep in the sun. Dream about Fish Bites. Attend Much Music Awards After Party. Hit Bottle service. Fall on a Raptor. Leave party by force. Fall asleep on couch. Get on an airplane. Find image of Fish  Bites on phone. Feel both physically and emotionally empty inside. Cry. Repeat cycle. Wow. I love Toronto.

Note: Fell on a Raptor? You may be thinking: Does he mean fell off a rafter? No, I mean fell on an actual  7ft Toronto Raptor. A player. Fuck.

Brazen Head. Toronto.

Airplanes.

Download audio file (Airplanes.mp3)

Most head to California for the sun and perhaps the waves. Not me dog. I go for the snacking. Of all the burritos in all of middle earth, it is the California Burrito from Flibertos that I desire most. Inside this magical two pound delight is carne asada, french fries, guacamole, cheese, salsa fresca, and hot sauce at your discretion. I wish I could have one every day. If that were possible, what a well nourished round man I would truly be. But alas, that is merely a pipe dream. For we don’t have Mexicans in Canada.

If you are familiar with the Matrix, you may recall that in act 3 our protagonist Neo eats a strange oatmeal mixture that is said to have all necessary nutrients the human body needs to sustain itself. My recent studies have found similar attributes  in the Cali burrito. By consuming only water and  a burrito for 4 faithful days in a row, I have proven the body needs nothing more, nothing less to survive under the hot California sun. The multiple bottles of wine each evening do not count, they were needed to wash down the nightly dose of Vicodin.

Note: Although I have succeeded in finding an alternative to futuristic oatmeal, I’m beginning to think perhaps eating a California Burrito each day did not exactly do wonders for my highly anticipated California beach body. Regrettably, even though I move like Neo, my physique in no way resembles Johnny Utah’s.

Chorus: Filibertos. Flibertos. Fili-fili bertos. FIli-fili bertos. God dam this is a catchy song… Only Labamba makes me  crave Mexican more.

Flibertos. Encinitas, CA.

Alejandro.

Download audio file (Alejandro.mp3)

Island Foods is one of my favorite roti spots in Toronto. For those of you who live under a rock, the roti is pretty much the burrito of the Caribbean. Roti ‘s are filled with various curries and other spicy Island delights. It often takes years of training your belly to handle these interesting spices and flavors.

Due to the fact that it’s been hot as balls in Toronto lately, it’s often difficult to take down a whole roti in one sitting. After all, they are huge bitches. Your going to need to drink something. Thank god for Grace Ginger beer.

Note: Although not technically a sweet, I recommend grabbing a few  Jamaican patties for desert. Sweet ups.

Island Foods. Toronto.

Download audio file (Got Money in The Sun.mp3)

School is a nice little lunch spot in Liberty Village, Toronto. Their menu is very clever. It’s printed on loose leaf paper, similar to the sheets used in actual school. Very clever indeed. I dropped into the SBC Burger with yam fries. Although the bun was a little large for the patty, it was nicely toasted and brushed with some of that spicy aioli.  It’s hard to find an item without that condiment these days. Word in the yard is they have a decent weekend brunch as well.

After your meal head across the street to Brazen Head for ye old after school special. The Guinness & Strongbow combo is a wonderful way to achieve mid day drunk status. Day drinking is of course very reminiscent of being in high school, although I think the mixture was Growers & OE back then.

Note: In theory, or hypothetically speaking as they say -  If I were to have had a child when I was in the 11th grade day drunk = poor decisions it’s conceivable that little barrel of joy would be in high school today. Wow, I’m old as balls.  Wait, did I add that up right? I was never very good at math. If this is even remotely possible then fuck my actual life. Thank god intercourse was non existent in those days.

School. Liberty Village, Toronto.

Download audio file (Happiness is a warm gun.mp3)

There were several instances where my associates and I would go to the  movie theater just to eat Taco Bell.  We would gladly pay the $12.95 movie premium to cover up the desire to dine at The Dynamic Duo: KFC/TB.

Note: When eating theater tacos,  precautionary measures must be taken. There is no such thing as too many napkins, and all hot sauces are to be applied before sitting in the dark theater to feast.

Each time I ate theater Bell I would assume all was well.  But then the movie would finish, lights would come on, and shit would be absolutely everywhere.  My thighs always got the worst of it. As customers exited the theater they would point at me and whisper to one another  that’s the man  who had intercourse with  a burrito supreme. I always dreaded that situation, and often contemplated if the meal was worth such ridicule. Looking back, what I would give to  hold a taco in absolute theater darkness one last time. I would slather hot sauce all over my  chest if it would guarantee one more rendezvous. But alas, my slacks will never be soiled again. For KFC/TB at Scotia Bank Theater is no more. This is a tremendous loss for the snacking community.

Note: This masterpiece seen above is my brother’s creation. I can’t help but to think he knew the Duo wouldn’t be here for much longer. On what would be our final visit, he exploited everything the joint menu had to offer,  creating a Hybrid dish. I give you the Popcorn Chicken Taco Supreme. To remember better days…

Taco Bell Scotia Bank Theater. Vancouver, BC. May 2006 – March 2010.

Download audio file (Dream is Over.mp3)