Hurts So Good. Come On Mayonnaise Make It Hurt So Good.

Written by Esquire
January 31, 2010

The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing the world to eat fries dipped in mayonnaise.- Job 2:19.

If the inventor of mayonnaise is receiving residuals of any kind for his creation, surely he is absolutely killing it these days. Fried potatoes and mayo.  This combination of grease and fat is next level shit. We as human beings should all be very proud.  You would imagine these products would be a tough sell in this fragile market of Weight Watching and Biggest Loser-ing. Apparently this is not at all the case. At Fritz they even have several different flavors of mayonnaise to top your fritz.

Biggest Loser Couples -Its changing lives. I actually have a Hockey-like Pool going for this show. Each gambler picks the contestant they think will loose the most weight by the finale. Winner takes all. Just to clarify, Im serious. I have 10$ on Sam, one of the Samoan cousins on Team Grey. I cheer for him every Tuesday. I wish misery and failure to all that stand in his our way. When Sam wins a challenge, I feel proud. When he weeps, sadness fills my heart.  If I were on the Moon of Pandora, Sam would be my Avatar.

Note: I originally started watching The Biggest Loser in hopes it would motivate me to be more active. Regrettably all it ever does is make me crave chicken fingers.

Fritz European Fry House. Vancouver. [audio:Hurts So Good.mp3]

Filed Under Aoili, Fries, Music, Vancouver
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Knock Knock Gnocchi On Heaven’s Door.

Written by Esquire
January 26, 2010

I've recently been to actual Italy (where I ate like a Super Mario brother)  so naturally I was not expecting to find premium Italian foods in Calgary of all places.  Gnocchi's Ristorante has the finest dishes this side of the Atlantic.  The kick his ass Sea Bass (as seen above) was one of the many plates we were served throughout the 5 hour eating escapade. Veal, Lamb, Steak, Chicken, Gnocchi, Pasta, Bikini, Martini, Lamborghini. We received deluxe treatment because we were dining with the Mayor of Calgary and his lovely wife. Maybe he wasn't technically the mayor, but he should be. Either way, I can only imagine this fine establishment will treat all guests equally as pleasant. Unless your Portuguese.

Gnocchi's Ristorante. Calgary, AB.

Filed Under Calgary, Italian
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Here We Glowbal, Holla If Ya Hear Me Though, Come And Feel Me Flow.

Written by Esquire
January 23, 2010

Glowbal is a great spot in Yaletown, especially for lunch. The menu has a variety of interesting dishes. And the savings... This chicken wrap for example is  only 11$. It comes with fries, salad, and even a cup of soup. Unheard of, especially  for a Yaletown restaurant. The service is excellent as well. They even go so far as to place the soft fabric napkin onto your lap, similar to what a servant would do for their wealthy master. That's straight baller. Balla-face. Oh my face.

Glowbal. Yaletown, Vancouver. [audio:Feel Me Flow.mp3]

Filed Under Music, Vancouver
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Wingy Wingy Wingy, Cant You See. Sometimes Your Wings Just Hypnotize Me.

Written by Esquire
January 18, 2010

Wings, On Granville St. Just look for the Howard Johnston Hotel.  Wings is fortunate enough to share a bathroom with HoJo's lobby. Very classy. Im not sure how I feel about this establishment. Something tells me it would have more success in Surrey. Surrey or Jersey. Bridge and tunnel folk a plenty. Wings serves a very specific purpose, no more no less.  Go there to watch the game in LD (Low Def) and drink draft. Its loud, and Im unsure if the wings are even any good. I feel filthy each time I have eaten there. But then again, its wings, the armpit of chicken. What am I really expecting?

They make you sign a contract if you order the death wings. I took down a whole plate of those once. Yeah bitch. I sweat so much my actual eyeballs were perspiring. I looked like Patrick Demsey in 1995's Outbreak.  (Thats right, it was indeed Pat Demsey who contracts the virus from the monkey). And how it burned. I had no idea you could get the clap from eating hot wings. Now I know, and knowing is half the battle. Yo Joe.

Wings. Vancouver. [audio:hypnotize.mp3]

Filed Under Chicken, Music, Vancouver, Wings
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I Gotta Stay Fry I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I Till I Die I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I.

Written by Esquire
January 16, 2010

I tried this little gem last night. Yam Tempura. You wont shape your tempura like the white man's french fry? Oh but they will. The presentation is outstanding,  as it always is at Sakana. Balsamic reduction even. The sake has dry erased most of my memory of the eve, but thank god for the trusty iphone.  This Omar Ep-ic picture reminds me of the good times.

Tempura is to Fries what Aioli is to Mayonnaise. Tempura is the new "Black". Sakana. Yaletown, Vancouver. [audio:Stay High.mp3]

Filed Under Music, Sushi, Vancouver
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Guess Who’s Back In The Motherf#ing House, With A Phat Deli For Your Motherf#ing Mouth?

Written by Esquire
January 14, 2010

Phat Deli in Yaletown is a great little lunch spot. They actually import the smoked meat from the infamous Swartz's Deli in Montreal, a fine establishment.  Although the amount of meat is sub par compared to Swartz's version, its still a good sandwich. For Yaletown the price seems within reason. If you Frenchmen are feeling homesick, check it. I think they also have a poutine. I will have to find out next round.

Phat Deli. Yaletown, Vancouver. [audio:It Aint No Fun.mp3] It Aint No Fun. Snoop Dogg.

I Make It Rain, I Make It Rain, I Make It Rain Librettos.

Written by Esquire
January 11, 2010

Arugula and the Old Boy


Pizzeria Libretto makes a very nice pie. Check them out in Toronto. They have received much hype as of late. The pizza has a nice sauce and a really thin crust, similar to a roti. Libretto always seems to be jammed from 5:30pm on, so roll early. Actually, I just heard they are now open for lunch. Booyah.

Note: You won't combine Pizza and Roti, making a highbred Pizzaroti?  That would be amazing. I hope I live to see that day. Iv'e also been waiting on the release of the hover board from Back to the Future Part 2. We are now officially in the future and still no sign of it.  I remain doubtful, yet patiently I wait.

Pizzeria Libretto. Toronto. [audio:makeitrain.mp3]

Filed Under Italian, Music, Pizza, Toronto
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Sky Rockets In Flight. Karaage Delight.

Written by Esquire
January 7, 2010

Deep fried products and babes.....  two of my only many weaknesses in life. Guu's chicken Karaage is among the finest in its field. It even comes with that aioli that everyone seems to like so much these days. Question: Is tatar sauce considered an aioli? And who made up this fancy word for flavored mayonnaise? Whoever it was, well played.  Now mayo is perceived as a premium product. Very clever marketeer-ing. Aioli - the "SB" of mayonnaise.

Obviously eating at KFC is extremely frowned upon (unless you are at the movie theater grabbing Taco Bell, and a box of popcorn chicken mysteriously finds its way into your order). To save yourself the embarrassment of a KFC sighting, be sure to hit up Guu for their Karaage.   I should mention they are not limited to fried chicken. Every dish they have is  excellent. Its not Popeyes, or anything like that.

Guu -Original. Vancouver. [audio:Afternoon Delight.mp3]

Filed Under Chicken, Japanese, Vancouver
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Triscoti. Triscoti. Put Your Hands All Over My Body.

Written by Esquire
January 5, 2010

The Perogi Triscuit – Sour cream, cheddar cheese, bacon.

The Triscuit as we all know is the most versatile cracker in the industry. Two of my go to snacks whilst entertaining are these home made numbers.  They take less then 5 minutes to make. They are bangers, not anthems. For the Perogi, I like to keep my physique in check and use plain yogurt instead of sour cream, but you do what you will. Ask for it by name.

Jerk Chicken Triscuit - Jerk Chicken, salsa, mozzarella.

I use  PC Memories of Montego Bay for the chicken.  This is actually one of the best Jerk marinades around, especially for store bought product. Trust me. I have tried many, but always go back to PC.  My black/chinese associate does makes a ridiculous batch as well, but its imported from Jamaica. Unfortunately it is not available for resale.


Appies All The Time. Snack well, friend.