Mo Money Means Mo Pizza Dough To Blow.

Written by Esquire
February 26, 2010

The good people at Monster Energy have been throwing ridiculous shakers all week up at Grouse Mountain's Altitudes Bistro the peak of Vancouver. Monster-Vodka drinks were consistently passed our way, and the pizza's were flowing in like boxed wine. Although they were extremely soft and doughy, the pies were still a nice late night snack. As we all know pizza standards drop ten fold with every drink consumed, so there was no concern in quality. Unfortunately we just missed the prime rib, which was apparently served earlier. Rumors I say. We found nothing but thick, soft, bouncing pizza up in those parts. Burrrrrrumski.

Altitudes Bistro. Grouse Mountain, Vancouver. [audio:Blow.mp3]

Filed Under Pizza, Vancouver
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Short Ribs Like A Melody In My Head That I Can’t Keep Out Got Me Singing Like.

Written by Esquire
February 24, 2010

The Olympics are here. While the athletes have been competing in International Sporting Events,  I too have been involved in World Class affairs. Eating. The catered parties have been out of hand. Take the Nike Aries Party at the Boardroom for example. Apparently there were all kinds of cool historical snowboard artifacts showcased. I didn't really get a chance to check it out, I was too busy flirting with every dish that would pass me by. Appies rolled into this party in droves of hundreds. They were outstanding. This was easily one of the finest spreads I have ever encountered. Of note were the delicious Taquitos. Finally I can eat this product without feeling ashamed and embarrassed which is how I feel when Im at 7-11, at 3am, alone, eating taquitos. Another stand out was the Mini Rib Bowl. This was very much like the Tim Hortons Chili bread bowl, only bite sized, filled with Short Ribs, and topped with Brie. They looked like little Smurf homes.  I took down so many it wasn't even fair.

Note: Imagine if Gargamel were to one day actually find Smurf Village...surely he would fuck that place up. It would be a massacre. That was pretty much me at this party.  I could eat them everyday, Its like my ipod's stuck on replay.

Culinary Capers. Vancouver, BC. [audio:Replay.mp3]

Filed Under Catering, Vancouver
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In A Pizza Coma I know I know, It’s Serious.

Written by Esquire
February 22, 2010

If you ever find yourself trapped in middle earth for a week like I do every year, ease up on the Wendy's for one night and treat yourself to a nice dinner. The place is Bona Roma. No its not adult entertainment or anything like that. Its actually a very nice little pizza spot across from Canada Olympic Park in Calgary. They make a lovely deep dish. The amount of cheese they use acts like that of a horse tranquilizer, rendering you useless for the remainder of the evening. Comatose, if you will. This is a good thing, because there is absolutely nothing else to do on this baron stretch of Trans Canada highway.

Bona Roma. Calgary, AB.
[audio:Girlfriend In A Coma.mp3]

Filed Under Calgary, Italian, Pizza, Smiths
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Im Your Biggest Fan I’ll Follow You Until You Love Me. Pepper, Pepper-oni.

Written by Esquire
February 21, 2010

Im not sure if its a lack of the Italian community or what, but Vancouver is certainly a tough city to get really good pizza in. Of course there are a few good spots, but good god it's scarce. One of my favorites is Nat's Pizzeria. Nat's delivers in quality, and, well I guess they actually deliver. It's pretty much the only place I order from while in the downtown area. The pizza is great, and its very reasonably priced.  There is one location in Kits, and one on Denman St. The only bummer dude is they close at 10pm. This of course makes things extremely difficult for my late night snacking habits.  That's my cross to bare.

Note: This song is catchy as balls. I quite like this Lady GaGa character.  However, I can never quite tell if she is remotely attractive in any way, shape, or form.  This of course makes her extremely attractive.

Nat's New York Pizzeria. Vancouver. [audio:Paparazzi.mp3]

Wasted Away Again In Margherita (Pizza) Ville.

Written by Esquire
February 14, 2010

Ordering the Margherita is truly the best way to measure the quality of an establishment's pizza pie. I must say Terroni's has perfected this art. They have one of the finest pies you will find in Toronto. I could eat there every day. The sauce is outstanding, and the dough is perfect. There is much hype surrounding this spot. In this case,  believe.

Terroni's is known for their stern protocol. My friend always insists on toying with the servers and asks to substitute toppings, and to have the pizza served cut. This always makes them extremely angry. They will go into this spiel about how the owner does not allow substitutions, and his signature is to serve pizza uncut. I suppose that's how they do it in the old country. They are totally Pizza Nazis, It's amazing. This certainly adds to the ambience of Terroni.

Note: If you really want to mess with them, ask for parmesan cheese for your pizza. That request may actually get you kicked out. Some people claim that there's a women to blame. But I know. Its my own dam fault.

Terroni. Toronto. [audio:Margaritaville.mp3]

Filed Under Italian, Music, Peppers, Pizza, Toronto
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If You A Fat Chick Gettin Your Fu*k On Tonight Bamboo, Oooh, Oooh, Oooh.

Written by Esquire
February 12, 2010

The Chicken Pesto Panini at Bamboo Cafe is really something else. If you are in Gastown its definitely a good spot to check out for lunch. The spread is a pesto aioli of sorts, on a nicely toasted panini. They also have this energy Kool-aid type of product called Vroom in their fountain. I usually only drink water, but at Bamboo I always get this drink. Refreshing to say the least, and full of electrolytes.  I think it would be awesome with vodka, but Bamboo is the only place I have seen this product.  Regrettably, they do not sell the vodka drink at this cafe.

Bamboo Cafe. Gastown, Vancouver.


Filed Under Music, Sandwich, Vancouver
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I Wanna Make Love Right Na Na Naan. (Bread)

Written by Esquire
February 9, 2010

They call this place Local 510. They specializes in comfort foods. Most order the delicious Chicken pot pie. I thought I had turned my back on comfort when I ordered the very ethnic butter chicken dish. Then it occurred to me - my dad is a brown man. Surely in his homeland Butter chicken is the Indian equivalent to chicken pot pie. Einhorn is Finkle, Finkle is Einhorn! Well done Local 510. You got me. You got me good.

They serve some legit butter chicken at 510. The basmati rice was nicely cooked, and the na na na naan was decent. It reminded me of eating at my aunt's house. She is also brown. She cooks like you wouldn't believe and plays the sitar like it's nobodies business. Ok, the sitar part is not true, but you can imagine if it were.

Local 510. Calgary, AB. [audio:Na Na Na.mp3]

Filed Under Calgary, Indian
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My President Is Black. My Strombos Blue. And I’ll Be God Dam If My Rims Aint Too.

Written by Esquire
February 4, 2010

Its amazing what you can find in the Denver Airport at 5am. Although they specialize exclusively in Pizza, that didn't stop Villa from opening for breakfast. They threw the old "bait and switch" on us. "I go high, you go low". "The Kansas City Shuffle" as it were .... only in Denver. Those clever sons of bitches made stromboli's, but subbed the pizza ingredients with breakfast ingredients. This particular strombo had bacon and eggs in it, rather then the pepperoni and cheese we have all grown accustom to. Well played Villa. Well played indeed. I admire there style. With innovative moves like that, surely Villa is here to stay. Very reminiscent of our friend La Cucaracha, who your likely to find in Villa's Pantry.

Villa's Pizza. Denver, CO. [audio: My President.mp3]

Filed Under Denver, Pizza
Comments: 2 Comments

Let Your Backbone Sliders.

Written by Esquire
February 2, 2010

Denver, the sunshine state. Gorgeous. They call this place the Mile High City because it is high as shit. Its absolutely nowhere near sea level.  Due to this fact, I have found a chink in the armor of a very prestigious club. If you are in Denver, and you consummate, technically you are officially in The Mile High Club. As usual, neither myself or any of my associates took advantage of this discovery, but you could imagine if we did.

One thing we did take advantage of was some of the greasiest foods around. And the savings... Example: This 6 pack of Sliders $4.95. You won't. Each slider even had a different type of cheese on it. Now I understand why there were so many health-unconscious peeps in this town. At first I thought it was Biggest Loser contestant try outs or something. The lack of oxygen in the air combined with all American foods at great prices is a recipe for things to go pear shaped. America, don't you go changing.

Note: Check out this actual Mile High Club website. It looks like its been made on a Commodore 64 or something. Amazing.

Tom's Diner. Denver, CO. [audio:Let Your Backbone Slide.mp3]

Filed Under Denver, Sliders
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Appies All The Time. Snack well, friend.