So If There’s Something You’d Like To Try. If There’s Something Perhaps A Fry.

Written by Esquire
July 29, 2011

I wouldn't exactly call myself a lover of fries. Don't get me wrong, if there's gravy present, or if they are inside a Cali burrito, then I will take them down with no remorse. But fries on their own are certainly not my first choice. With that being said, the Long Beach Fry is an exception to this rule. They may very well be best god dam fries west of Vancouver. The ratio of outer crispiness to potato filling is perfect. They are so good, putting gravy on them may actually ruin the dish. This last statement is false and is used for dramatic effect only. Gravy makes everything taste better: fact. If you head due west and go until you can go no further, you will surely find yourself in Tofino. Your first instinct will be to rent a surf board. I suggest you hit up Long Beach Lodge's lounge instead. Accept the fact that you will never be a surfer,  and dive into a plate of those deep fried bitches. Surf's fucking up mates. 

Note: Don't burn drift wood in Tofino. The locals get extremely  Local on yo ass when you do such things. Writing frightening verse, to a buck-toothed girl in Luxemburg. Long Beach Lodge. Tofino, BC. ♫ Ask. [audio:Ask.mp3]

Filed Under Fries, Smiths, Tofino
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Hey McRib You So Fine. You So Fine You Blow My Mind.

Written by Esquire
July 28, 2011

For more then two decades I had sought after this sandwich, yet never had the opportunity to try it. I imagined it to be similar to the  711 BBQ pork sandwich, which is mechanically pressed to look like ribs. I had to find out for myself. It was not until shortly after eating and drinking my face off at a wedding that the McRib and I finally crossed paths. The problem was, I was so full and drunk from the wedding, all I could stomach was one bite. I don't remember much, but my dress shirt sure did. Shit got covered in sauce. I assume it was BBQ? But then again it could have been nugget sauce, or even ketchup from the cheeseburgers? Jesus, come to think of it we ordered a lot more then just the McRib. So that's why I couldn't breathe the next morning. Nice little 4000 calorie eve. Fuck.

Note: This photo is as fuzzy as my only memory of the McRib. Perhaps it's best to leave it that way. Until next year you swine.


McDonalds. ♫ Hey Mickey.    

Filed Under Burger
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16 Clumsy And Shy. I Went To London Pub And Died.

Written by Esquire
July 27, 2011


London pub is located in what was once was considered the hood of Vancouver. Quite recently this area has cleaned up nicely, but it's not uncommon to see the odd day walker lurking about every now and then.  I quite enjoy places that at first glance appear seedy, but inside are actually clean and safe. Yes I am a poser, but a Hep/Hiv-free poser nonetheless. I have put in shifts at the LP several times now, and my ratio of getting Myrtle Beach drunk compare to remaining sober is a whopping 9:1. For snacks,  the poutine they serve could potentially feed a family of four. If you order this solo, you may as well be entering yourself in an eating challenge. I saw this man above unable to get through just half his bowl. I had no choice but to jump in and finish the rest in his honor. Looking back, I probably should have used a fork.

Note: I like it here can I stay. Do you have a vacancy, for a back scrubber? London Pub, Vancouver. [mp3j track="Half A Person.mp3"]  

Filed Under Poutine, Smiths
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Cheese Sticks. Cheese Sticks I was Only Joking When I Said I’d Like To…

Written by Esquire
July 19, 2011


Last week 14 dudes and I were on a man trip doing man things in the California desert. After going there I am certain this is a place where vampires roam. For during the day there wasn't a sole in sight. Not one. Yet as night fell It was clear something was lurking among us. In the small village of Borrego Springs we stumbled on a Vamp bar called Carlees. Close your eyes and picture Erik's bar from True Blood... this was exactly the same, only with carpet. We ordered only deep fried products, which is standard protocol when dinning in suspect establishments such as this. To our surprise we were served the best mozza sticks of our professional careers. I was of course drunk so my judgement may have been slightly off, but I'm certain these sticks were something else. I wonder if maybe I was glamored by the waiter-vamp? Or could it be that Vampires may actually enjoy cooking? Either way, banging sticks.

Note: Speaking of banging sticks, how can vampires get boners if they have no blood flowing through them? True Blood Erik and Bill Compton are always banging, as is Edward from the Twilight Saga. How is this happening?

I suppose Morrissey could be a vampire.  He claims he doesn't bang anybody.

Carlees. Borrego Springs, CA. ♫ Bigmouth. [audio:Bigmouth.mp3]  

Filed Under Smiths
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Pit Bull Taco.

Written by Esquire
July 13, 2011

If you happen to find yourself wandering in a camp ground in Cardiff  by the actual sea, then please do yourself a favor and hit up Bull Taco. Regrettably this  establishment resembles more of an outhouse then a restaurant, but fear not. Once you take a bite of their delicious version of the ever so famous Cali Burrito, you will soon forget the port-o-potty style of service. Besides, you will be too busy viewing the glorious pacific ocean which is seen from the dinning area. Fucking gorgeous. Burritos in paradise bro.

Note: A long haired Sanduski poses here with the Shrimp Cali Burrito by the sea. Although he does not care for Pitbull's music in the slightest, he has been known to pretend  solely for the affection of babes.  Respect.

Bull Taco. Cardiff. CA. ♫I Know. [audio:I Know You Want.mp3]  

Filed Under Mexican
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Appies All The Time. Snack well, friend.