(Pizza) Hut Your Mouth. How Can you Say. I Go About Things The Wrong Way.



Written by Esquire
October 2, 2012






Sometimes I'm an eating embarrassment to myself. Above was clearly one of those times. Apparently the Pan-ormous commercial worked. The promise of grander lured me in. I ordered the Mega Meal only to find out It's all a sham. For the only thing pan-ormous was the amount of crust. I love my carbs as much as the next boheim, but this was out of hand. Curses to you Pizza Hut. Burn me once, yada yada yada... yet I keep coming back for more. You have left me both physically and emotionally scarred.

Fact: I was awarded employee of the month August at my local Pizza Hut when I was 15. True story. On account of my childhood success, I suppose I still have a soft spot for the Hut. However, I'm serious about being physically scarred. It was the mid 90's. We were young and foolish then.  While in the thick of dinner service I was moving pans under the oven. Just then a fresh pizza come barreling out of the oven and tipped. There was no escaping the pipping hot 100% Canola oil. I cursed as it poured down my elbow. The water, it did nothing to aid my pain. 3rd degree burns yo. This was my first of many battle wounds I have received from pizzas over the years. A scar that can be seen to this very day. This mark now acts as a constant reminder that I am human and I need to be loved. Just like everybody else does.

Pizza Hut.

♫How soon is now. Smiths. 
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Appies All The Time. Snack well, friend.