Biking To Farina, Just To Get Some Pizza.



Written by Esquire
Thursday






I wish I was Jay Z, for then I would surely do as his rhyme suggests and fly to Pisa, just to get some pizza. Regrettably I am nothing like this man. My closest version of that would be riding my bicycle over to Main St and dinning at Farina. This place rules. It's the Apple Store of pizzeria's. Great pizza, no nonsense decor. I have long awaited for Vancouver to produce some legit pizza pies in this one horse town. I must say the day has finally come.  Vancouver, pizza, respect.

Note: I have grown bored of only showcasing pictures of food, and have decided to include real human beings as well whenever possible. As seen here: Panda dives into a Calabrese. Pizzeria Farina. Vancouver, BC. [mp3j track="Talk That Talk.mp3"]

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We Like To Party. We Like Chicken Karaage.



Written by Esquire
Wednesday






Sometimes I get so hung over it's not even fair. Often soup is my only form of nourishment during these dark times. The other day I tried a Ramen bowl at Ramen Jinya, but I couldn't even stomach that. As I sat in front of the steaming noodles, I noticed the side menu: Chicken Karaage for $3.75. $3.75? You won't? I had to. It's safe to say I am a real sucker for fried chicken. In all honesty I would eat it a lot more if it wasn't so frowned upon. KFC has really given my beloved a bad rep. But there is one race who seems to have no issues with fried chicken, my good friends the Japanese. I adore the Japanese. They don't judge, they simply enjoy. In this case fried foods. The Karaage at Jinya is excellent. It's doused in a delicious garlic dressing. Next time I may not even order the ramen, and just stick with a couple side orders of the Karaage. Can you order two sides without ordering a main dish I wonder?

Note: When I hear this song it reminds me there was in fact a time in my life when I would never get sick from the drink. How I long for those days to return. Come back my sweet Venga Bus. Come back. Ramen Jinya. Vancouver, BC. [mp3j track="We Like To Party.mp3"]  

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Please Please Cheese. Let Me Get What I Want This Time.



Written by Esquire
Saturday






 

For once in my life, can I please get served a proper Nacho dish? It's no secret that in order to achieve a successful Nacho one must layer the cheeses and ingredients accordingly. If you don't use a layering technique, it renders 85% of the dish useless.  On top of that, almost every establishment has the nerve of charging $20 a plate and of course $4 extra for a thimble of gaucamole. Fuck you Pubs everywhere. Save yourself the trouble and go buy a bag of Dorritos. At least they are seasoned. Despite my love for the appetizer, I almost never order nachos. But alas, finally I have found a worthy dish. My beloved Mexican friends at Salsa and Agave, but of course.  Their layering of the cheeses is incredible. They even use that white Mexican cheese that I like so much. They serve the meat on the side for personalized distribution. To top it off they are only $10. I promise you will be pleased with their chos, bros. Lord knows it would be the first time.

Note: Usually the cardinal rule is Chos before Hos. But in this case you are going to want to share. If you eat this whole dish all by yourself, then god have mercy on your soul.  In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sanct. Salsa and Agave. Vancouver, BC. [mp3j track="Please Please Please.mp3"]  

Filed Under Mexican, Nachos, Smiths
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I’ll Explain Everything To The Greeks.



Written by Esquire
Friday






I first stumbled across Scoozies many moons ago. In those days my friends and I had a lot of free time on our hands. We didn't exactly have day jobs per say. To break up the week we would often head down to the financial district at lunch hour to scam on business babes. It never worked. I suppose we should have worn suits or something? What we did find was a lovely family run Greek cafe. Some bangers to order at Scoozies are as follows: the meatball dish, the lemon chicken soup, and the Greek salad with chicken above. A nice feature is they serve a piece of grapefruit with every dish. I have always enjoyed the grapefruit. Speaking of which,  a wise man once said to me: Son, when looking for a mate, you're going to want to go ahead and find yourself a grapefruit. They take a little work, but once you get them open you have the goods. A little work? Yeah right. What qualifications does one need to be deemed a Wise Man these days anyway?

Note: I have no idea what in god's name this song is about, but it often stays in my head for months at a time. I sing it exclusively in the shower. The National rules.

Scoozies. Vancouver, BC. [mp3j track="Vanderlyle Crybaby Geeks.mp3"] The National.  

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I Just Want To Eat. I Just Want To Eat At Peaceful.



Written by Esquire
Tuesday






I'm on a real Chinese binge as of late. Of all the foreign establishments in this fine Asian influenced city, it is Peaceful Restaurant that I desire the most. You won't open up a second location even closer to my home? Tis true, they now have a spot downtown in addition to the original on Broadway and Cambie. This is trouble for my mid section. I only burn through 15 calories max on my walk over, yet I consume thousands in one feeding. This equation is certainly not adding up in my favor. Yet I proceed. Go in a large group so you can try everything. Some mandatory orders are as follows: Sichuan Cucumbers. Mu-Shu noodle. Peaceful Beef roll. Xiao-Long Bao Steamed Buns above.

Note: I want the money. Money and The Cars. Cars And The Clothes. The Ho's. I suppose... I do quite like the part about the ho's I suppose,  but it reminds me, the success I once hoped to achieve has quickly become an irrelevant daydream. Though I may never have such fancy things like Drake, I will likely still have my appetite.

Peaceful Restaurant. Vancouver, BC.

[mp3j track="Successful.mp3"]  

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Call Me New Ho King. Call Me Mr. Wong. Call Me Insane…



Written by Esquire
Thursday






New Ho King - The true Emperor of the Special Tea Dynasty. Legend has it this is the place where special tea was invented. I know what you may be thinking. Who would need more alcohol when there so much delicious food on the table? Me, for one. No better a way to wash down chicken balls and fried rice then with luke warm Coors Light. Back to the food... their won-ton soup, what a glorious starter. And the honey garlic wings;  they use so much honey you have to clean your hands with 400 grid sandpaper. The plates never seem to stop coming at the Ho. It often feels like you are in a black hole, where hours of eating, drinking, and carrying on go by and no one seems to notice or care.  Maybe its the MSG talking, but I have had more fun at New Ho King then in all the clubs in Toronto combined...Fact.

Note: I have never once eaten here sober, or before 2:47am for that matter.

New Ho King. Toronto, ON. Because of how similar and amazing the intro to both of these tunes are,  It had never occurred to me that Mr Vain and Rhythm is a Dancer are in fact two different songs, performed by two different artists. I quite enjoy how half way through both of these songs there is a deep voiced man who is straight up talking. Mr.Vain. [audio:Mr Vain.mp3] Rhythm. [audio:Rhythm Is A Dancer.mp3]

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Just Going To Stand There And Get Heart Burn. That’s Alright It Was The Tacos From The Furn.



Written by Esquire
Wednesday






Anytime I see a sign for all you can eat, I always feel there should be a question mark after it. All you can eat? After all, it's a question, not a statement. A challenge even. I saw someone eat 22 tacos in one sitting at the El Furniture Warehouse once. I would expect as much from a larger man. But this particular gentleman's physique resembled that of Olympic Diving Legend Greg Louganis. 22 may not seem like much, but to put it into perspective, I was only able to take down 8.  I am clearly a glutton, and although I am not technically Mexican, I certainly could pass for one. Surely this should have given me an edge? Regrettably it did not. Always a bridesmaid... Speaking of bridesmaids, Peter Andersen: Respect. You eat like a man twice your size you slim son of a bitch. Disrespect: me.

Note: Rihanna hurts my heart. It must be her beauty that does this. Or maybe it's because this song reminds me of eating tacos and getting actual heart burn? Hmm. Either way, Rihanna is my dark angel. There is nothing  I shall want.

(El Furniture) Famous Warehouse. Vancouver. [mp3j track="Love The Way You Lie.mp3"]  

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Sad Songs For Dirty Aprons.



Written by Esquire
Monday






Dirty Apron has a nice little deli. Some would call it a secret deli, as they are mainly known for their cooking classes. Actually, If you get the chance you should take one of those too. It's good times, and most importantly they serve wine as you are learning to cook the meal. From the deli, every sandwich I have tried so far has been banging. Take for example this pork Vietnamese sub above.  This sub was dirty. The good kind of dirty of course.

Note: I'm referring to Catholic High School girl dirty as apposed to East Van crack whore dirty. I mention this because both can be found in this area of town. Dirty Apron. Vancouver, BC. ♫ Fashion Coat (Album: Sad Songs For Dirty Lovers) [audio:Fashion Coat.mp3]

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This Was The Worst Cheeseburger In Paradise.



Written by Esquire
Wednesday






On account of it being hot as balls today, I am reminded of a trip I once took to Hawaii. I was in indeed in paradise, until we went to a place called Cheeseburgers in Paradise.  Question: How can you have Cheeseburger in the name of your establishment, but not know the first thing about making an actual cheeseburger? I am aware this particular Waikiki location is a tourist trap, but this was some next level bullshit. Just because your guests resemble cattle, it does not mean you should serve them trough food pronounced troff. I am not usually a hater, but in this case I will supply the link to ensure you never eat here. Much like the cheeseburgers, this song also sucks. However, the slow mo antics of David Lee Roth may be worth checking.

Note: Surprisingly, the piña coladas were exceptional.

Chesseburgers In Paradise. Hawaii.

♫ Paradise. DLR.


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So If There’s Something You’d Like To Try. If There’s Something Perhaps A Fry.



Written by Esquire
Friday






I wouldn't exactly call myself a lover of fries. Don't get me wrong, if there's gravy present, or if they are inside a Cali burrito, then I will take them down with no remorse. But fries on their own are certainly not my first choice. With that being said, the Long Beach Fry is an exception to this rule. They may very well be best god dam fries west of Vancouver. The ratio of outer crispiness to potato filling is perfect. They are so good, putting gravy on them may actually ruin the dish. This last statement is false and is used for dramatic effect only. Gravy makes everything taste better: fact. If you head due west and go until you can go no further, you will surely find yourself in Tofino. Your first instinct will be to rent a surf board. I suggest you hit up Long Beach Lodge's lounge instead. Accept the fact that you will never be a surfer,  and dive into a plate of those deep fried bitches. Surf's fucking up mates. 

Note: Don't burn drift wood in Tofino. The locals get extremely  Local on yo ass when you do such things. Writing frightening verse, to a buck-toothed girl in Luxemburg. Long Beach Lodge. Tofino, BC. ♫ Ask. [audio:Ask.mp3]

Filed Under Fries, Smiths, Tofino
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Appies All The Time. Snack well, friend.